Trigger Warning: Content contains passages about sexual violence.
Hey Jude, so it’s been a long time I’ve sent an ask here, but lately some stuff happened and I really need some advice. Last weekend I’ve been to a party and even though I didn’t drink a lot, I blacked out, and woke up naked in a public hallway with a guy I don’t even remember meeting.
I’ve taken all the medical precautions but am still struggling on calling it “rape”. I’m not usually the type of person to sleep around but I really don’t know what I’m feeling, it’s like everyone (that knows about it) tells me that it’s ok, that I shouldn’t feel guilty, but I literally don’t feel anything. Like I am under some anesthesia or smtg… anyways, I keep searching the internet about rape cases so I can relate and find out what am I feeling, and everything is about some kind of physical agression or a child that doesn’t understand, and I don’t really know how to find something related to what happened to me. I am very confused and sometimes I’m happy but sometimes I get depressed all day long without motive, more explosive and sensible… I keep telling myself it’s because of the pills and it’s hormonal pump, but maybe it’s related to this event?
I’m so sorry that you are struggling with this. It is a tough situation that, sadly, impacts far too many people. Everyone seems to have an opinion on how it should be handled. On the one hand, having open dialogue about sexual assault is a good thing, but on the other hand, there are so many misconceptions surrounding the subject. I understand that you feel as if it wasn’t rape because it wasn’t violent. This is a misconception that a lot of people have, so you aren’t alone in this. Rape does not have to be violent; however, it doesn’t make it any less traumatic. Here is some information on combatting several myths about rape that you may find enlightening: https://prevent.richmond.edu/prevention/education/rape-myths.html. Rape is defined as any sexual activity that is performed without your consent. Even if you are under the influence and unaware of what is happening, it is still rape.
Your friends are right—it is not your fault that this happened. It seems to me that they are saying kind things, but they don’t seem to apply to you because of the numbness you are feeling. This is also okay. The shock of an event like this can often leave people feeling as if they are out of their body. The National Sexual Assault Hotline is available 24/7 and is confidential. Here, you can find support, along with resources: https://www.rainn.org/resources. You can chat online or call their hotline number.
I am glad to know that you took the necessary medical precautions. Your healthcare provider can also point you in the direction of a counselor. I think talking to someone could really help you process what happened. If you are uncomfortable talking to your healthcare provider, you can also find support on the RAINN website (https://www.rainn.org/) or enroll in Asking Jude's remote peer counseling services. Just reach out to us on askingjude.org or e-mail us at email@example.com.
Here are some tips for survivors: https://www.rainn.org/recovering-sexual-violence. "Survivor" may feel like too strong of a word to you, but it isn’t. Everyone who has made it through any kind of sexual assault, whether it’s violent or not, is a survivor. I’m glad you’re still here.
Something that I think can be helpful is journaling. I know you are struggling with your emotions right now, but try writing. You can write about anything you’d like. This is a way to calm your mind and organize your thoughts. This can especially come in handy when you are feeling depressed.
Communication with others is important as well. I know that you’ve already told your friends which is great, but I think it it important to discuss these emotional episodes with the person who prescribed you the pills you referred to. In fact, talking to loved ones about what happened may also help. They can also help you process what happened if you feel comfortable with that.
Hang in there,