I went through a very difficult breakup while in quarantine, and I had to move out. I’m feeling something of a lack of identity being on my own for the first time in years. What can I do to feel more comfortable on my own?
I applied to be an electricians apprentice with my local union. I made the list but there’s a possibility that I won’t be called for that for the work placement I also signed up for from them in the meantime. Even if I am it could take up to two years. I’ve at least got in touch with the business agent who says he will try to place me with work when it’s availabl. I promised myself I wouldn’t give up but I can tell my family doesn’t approve of my decision to get another job while I wait and keep trying to get in. My home is very toxic, even my therapist has to me this and we both has always thought that it would best for me to move out ASAP. So this job needs to pay for half of the rent. So thats one stressor, not even counting lack of security with COVID right now. I have an AS degree, and while the field I chose is nice, there’s very few jobs for it and I dont feel like I learned how to do my job at all. It actually needs a bachelors degree to even get a job. I can’t afford it and I didn’t like college. My family doesn’t have much money so I went on full scholarship (community college) and aside from rent had to pay for a lot of things myself (phone, car loan, school supplies.) I worked three jobs at one point and went to school full time doing classes that depressed me a lot sometimes. I tried to kill myself twice and I have never confessed this to my family. My friends helped me out and I went to therapy and got help. It turns out I was suffering from bipolar disorder and psychosis brought on by my doctor prescribing meds I should have never been on for my depression. But yeah, I don’t like the idea of taking out a crazy amount of debt for all that again. I don’t feel excited when I think of school. My gpa wasn’t great because of everything that was going on too.
I’m not even that fond of my orginal career choice honestly. I like it, but not enough to drop 100k in student loans that I can’t pay back. My family went bankrupt when I was small from debt. I don’t want that financial stress. I love the idea of being an electrician. I would get paid to learn in the union. I’ve talked about this issue a lot to various people but my family is very pro college no matter the cost. They’re also not fond of the idea that there’s no guarantee I’ll get in. I can’t change their minds and that’s okay but I feel like a loser for not doing better in school and wanting to go to college. I’m applying for factory jobs now while I wait on the union thing and ithe can tell my family is disappointed that I’m not in university by now with a 4.0 GPA. I don’t know what to do. My mental health is awful right now and I’m struggling with finding work that will pay for a shared apartment with my parther. I feel like crying. I blame myself for not doing better in my life.