Hello there. I am in an online long distance relationship; primarily sexual but also romantic. My partner lives in a different country (I'm in the US) and has a pretty demanding job. So we used to have our sexual video chats to unwind from both our job stresses (I work in retail), but haven't been doing them as often because I'm sleeping at night (our time difference had us playing late in the night for me) but also cause my bedroom is now my hoarding room and I can't sleep in my bed currently. He had also been away without internet for half the summer too for various reasons. So we are having tension because I either fall asleep before we can have a video chat or I tell him that I don't really have anywhere I can play or even just talk.
I'm an almost 30 year old woman who hasn't had a physically romantic relationship with anyone because of my overprotective parents and later just because I have a lot of anxiety about leaving my house (there's always at least one parent at home to take care of my autistic sibling) except for work and maybe doing some errands with my parents. I am a virgin but I am very sexual if that makes sense. I like to masturbate, read and watch erotic things, and I feel mostly comfortable with my nude body but I try to keep it on the down low because my parents are very conservative about sexuality/sensuality. My partner says he might visit the states next year for work and he could possibly see me in person. But he really wants to have sex. At first I was excited at the idea but after reflecting, I told him that I very probably could not handle it. I'm not on birth control, I don't even like the feel of my vibrator inside my vagina, and I'm very emotional. I could not handle my first time meeting my partner in person, having sex and then never seeing them physically again. How would I explain to my parents (who I could never tell about my partner since my parents are HEAVILY against me being even the slightest bit sexual) if I ended up pregnant even if we use protection? I don't leave my house except for work. My parents still act incredibly weird about me leaving the house and I don't have a driver's license or car. Just the logistics of it doesn't make any sense. And in my spirit, I know that I don't want my first time having sex (and sharing a literal mouth to mouth kiss, I have not even done that) to be with someone who will leave the very next day. That's not me.
My partner was very miffed when I told him this and then tried to act like he's not pressuring me but it very much feels like he is. He then told me because I'm not having video chats with him enough he'll have to contact escorts to let go of his sexual frustrations. I told him that's fine cause it's just too much for me right now but also I was staying firm on not having physical sex if he does visit next year. He keeps pressing me about it, saying he knows how precarious my situation is but I don't think he really understands no matter how I explain myself.
Now I'm wondering if I should break up with despite my love for him. I'm having such a difficult time figuring out how to fully convey myself to him even though I think I am saying things pretty plainly.