Hello there. I am in an online long distance relationship; primarily sexual but also romantic. My partner lives in a different country (I'm in the US) and has a pretty demanding job. So we used to have our sexual video chats to unwind from both our job stresses (I work in retail), but haven't been doing them as often because I'm sleeping at night (our time difference had us playing late in the night for me) but also cause my bedroom is now my hoarding room and I can't sleep in my bed currently. He had also been away without internet for half the summer too for various reasons. So we are having tension because I either fall asleep before we can have a video chat or I tell him that I don't really have anywhere I can play or even just talk.
I'm an almost 30 year old woman who hasn't had a physically romantic relationship with anyone because of my overprotective parents and later just because I have a lot of anxiety about leaving my house (there's always at least one parent at home to take care of my autistic sibling) except for work and maybe doing some errands with my parents. I am a virgin but I am very sexual if that makes sense. I like to masturbate, read and watch erotic things, and I feel mostly comfortable with my nude body but I try to keep it on the down low because my parents are very conservative about sexuality/sensuality. My partner says he might visit the states next year for work and he could possibly see me in person. But he really wants to have sex. At first I was excited at the idea but after reflecting, I told him that I very probably could not handle it. I'm not on birth control, I don't even like the feel of my vibrator inside my vagina, and I'm very emotional. I could not handle my first time meeting my partner in person, having sex and then never seeing them physically again. How would I explain to my parents (who I could never tell about my partner since my parents are HEAVILY against me being even the slightest bit sexual) if I ended up pregnant even if we use protection? I don't leave my house except for work. My parents still act incredibly weird about me leaving the house and I don't have a driver's license or car. Just the logistics of it doesn't make any sense. And in my spirit, I know that I don't want my first time having sex (and sharing a literal mouth to mouth kiss, I have not even done that) to be with someone who will leave the very next day. That's not me.
My partner was very miffed when I told him this and then tried to act like he's not pressuring me but it very much feels like he is. He then told me because I'm not having video chats with him enough he'll have to contact escorts to let go of his sexual frustrations. I told him that's fine cause it's just too much for me right now but also I was staying firm on not having physical sex if he does visit next year. He keeps pressing me about it, saying he knows how precarious my situation is but I don't think he really understands no matter how I explain myself.
Now I'm wondering if I should break up with despite my love for him. I'm having such a difficult time figuring out how to fully convey myself to him even though I think I am saying things pretty plainly.
Hello there,
As someone who is in a long-distance relationship, I understand how difficult it is to make time for one another, especially with a time-difference. This sounds like an extremely complex situation, and I’m sorry that you are dealing with this. You have a lot to contend with, so I understand why meeting this guy in person is daunting. Think about what you want—do you want to meet him? Are the fears of potential consequences preventing you from making a decision you want?
There are other ways to have sex aside from vaginal sex, but if you are uncomfortable with that, you definitely should not feel pressured to follow through. If you are interested, here is some information on non-penetrative sex: https://www.bedsider.org/features/1396-your-guide-to-sex-without-penetration (https://www.bedsider.org/features/1396-your-guide-to-sex-without-penetration).
Communication is important in any relationship, but is especially important in a long-distance relationship. It is vital and healthy to talk about goals. Do you two have the same goals? Do you want to meet him in person one day, or are you more comfortable keeping things the way they are? If you are more comfortable keeping things the way they are, you have to be honest with him. There is a chance that he may not want the same thing, and if that’s the case, he has to make a decision about what is best for him. If you decide that you want to meet in the future, the two of you can come up with a plan together. Discuss everything—the anxiety, the draw-backs, the risks, etc.
Here are some tips on managing a long-distance relationship: https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/21-best-tips-making-long-distance-relationship-work.html (and https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/21-best-tips-making-long-distance-relationship-work.html). You have to think about what is best for you. If navigating your parents and everything else you have to contend with is too difficult, you have to be honest with yourself, and your partner, about that.
You mentioned that your bedroom is now your hoarding room. In order to have the privacy you need to play and unwind, you need your own space to do so. Here are some tips to help manage hoarding: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/clutter-making-you-crazy-how-to-tell-if-youre-a-hoarder/ (https://health.clevelandclinic.org/clutter-making-you-crazy-how-to-tell-if-youre-a-hoarder/). I think that something that could be particularly helpful is setting realistic goals. Start with cleaning off your bed, so you can have a place to sleep comfortably. Getting enough rest will help you think more clearly about what is going on around you. If you need some help with that, try talking to your parents about what they can do to help you if you feel comfortable doing so.
Hang in there,
Andrea
Hi there, @Ellie Wright ! I'm so sorry for the delay in sending you a response to your submission. Unfortunately, an emergency extenuating circumstance arose, putting progress on hold. That being said, one of our peer counsellors, Andrea, will be answering you shortly.
To make up for this unfortunate delay, I'd like to offer you a month's worth of free peer counselling sessions. This will total to four hours of counselling that can be done remotely and at any time you desire. If you'd like to claim this offer, just e-mail us at jude@askingjude.org.
I hope this helps! Thank you so much for your patience. Until then, stay strong!