As a highschooler I've noticed that everyone around me seems to have or had a crush, whether that be a long time thing or just a one off, everyone has had it. Yet I haven't. I'm already sure that I'm queer, I'm trans masc and possibly pan, but I just never really considered that I might be aromantic. No one has ever told me when crushed are supposed to start, or if everyone will have them, but I'm just really confused and trying to figure myself out. I'm not disgusted by the thought of a relationship, but I just can't realistically picture it for me with anyone. I can't even picture someone I might find attractive. I can't decide whether I'm aromantic, or rushing this.
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It’s hard to figure this out because it is hard to define something by which it is not. In other words, it’s a lot easier to explain what something is than what it isn’t. So for aromanticism (and it’s counterpart asexuality), they’re both defined by the absence of attraction. How can you tell if you are one or the other? Well, you have to be pretty darn sure that you do not experience romantic or sexual attraction.
When you’re in high school, this question is hard to answer because everyone is growing and changing so much. It’s difficult when you just don’t like or click with the people in your school! It may help to remember that everyone around you is just as insecure and unsure of themselves as everyone else. People tend to say they have crushes without actually understanding what that means; they feel attraction to others, but that’s about it. A crush is just that- a crush. Feeling something more than that I think is the key to understanding exactly where you are on the gray scale. It doesn’t help that it seems like everyone is coupled up or desires to be so; this is because of amatonormativity, which is the normalization of being in or desiring to be in romantic relationships. This pressure explains why so many aro or ace folks struggle with figuring themselves out and why they often feel like there’s something wrong with them.
I have an article from the professor who coined the term and an article about why it’s unfair:
https://elizabethbrake.com/amatonormativity/
https://www.thecut.com/2017/03/amatonormativity-everybody-should-be-coupled-up.html
For demi-romantic folks like myself, this pressure certainly doesn’t help with finding quality long-term relationships because the pressure is there to feel instant attraction and to subsequently act on it. How are you supposed to feel genuine attraction to someone if you hardly know them? But see, that’s the demi in me talking. For the aro folks, it’s probably something like, why would I want to be anything other than friends? What’s wrong with things the way they are now?
I highly recommend doing some more reading on aromanticism because you may find yourself in others' stories:
https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/Aromantic
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/aromantic
https://www.asexuality.org/?q=romanticorientation
Are you familiar with the YouTuber Jaiden Animations? She came out recently as aro-ace which means she is both aromantic and asexual. This article talks more about this revelation and includes her video:
https://www.pride.com/comingout/2022/3/21/youtuber-jaiden-animations-comes-out-aroace-heres-what-means
You may also want to read up on crushes vs. squishes and see if this helps you better understand: https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/169199-crush-vs-squish/
It’s likely easier to figure out if you are gay/bi/pan, etc. because they are all defined by the presence of attraction. But figuring out where you land on the gray scale is hard because you are trying to find your place in a world not built for the people on said scale. A lot of cultures prioritize romantic attraction and put it on a pedestal, but more specifically, a lot of cultures seem to be built around alloromanticism which means that folks who can essentially feel love at first sight tend to have an easier time finding relationships.
Dating apps and online dating in general have been turned into essentially Amazon shopping experiences. People treat dates and relationships like they’re stock shares; they expect to see a “return” (a date) on their “investment” (time) and get frustrated when they feel like they aren’t getting anywhere. People need to understand that some folks--like us--need more time than others.
In short, it’s hard to figure this all out now because you are so young. But give it time, and focus on building healthy relationships with others, and I think that will help you sort it out. And if you're still struggle, Asking Jude is here to help.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile
Hi there, @Xander Keith ! One of our peer counsellors, Angelica, will be answering you shortly. Until then, stay strong!