So this is meant to be more of a prompt for a discussion than a request for advice pertaining to my own situation.
I've been in a long term relationship for several years now that I would describe as very unhealthy and frequently unhappy due to serious communication issues. I've posted in the group seeking advice before and gotten some wonderful, compassionate responses. When I describe my feelings about this situation, I almost always am told that it would be best to leave the relationship -- and I know this. But there is a powerful sense of fear that prevents me from doing this. There are a number of reasons I can see -- I live with my girlfriend, for one. The process of being broken-up with someone while living with them is obviously difficult, but I handled it very poorly. I felt afraid of seeing her, and was hiding and sleeping alone night after night in our unfinished basement, often crying, and wound up in the crisis centre of the local hospital on one occasion after coming dangerously close to an act of self-harm. There's a long sequence of events after that, but ultimately we got back together. So it is partly my fear of returning to that dark state that prevents me from standing up for myself and terminating the relationship.
I also dread the thought of my girlfriend being sad or feeling lonely, and feel responsible when I see that she is sad, and that binds me to her. And I fear losing her, I fear losing that sense of togetherness and being alone in the world again. So year after year I've stayed.
So I'm wondering if anyone else has experience on this -- a situation which you KNOW is unhealthy, which you know you technically have the power to remove yourself from, and yet you just can't seem to bring yourself to follow through? And what were the reasons that you felt left you in this weakened state?
I just want to add that I also really like your idea about forming a more positive relationship with fear itself -- recognizing that
your fear is on your team, but knowing when to override it! That is something I will have to keep in mind
Thanks so much for your reply Helen! Your description of your feelings while you were in that relationship matches my own pretty closely — the fear that she might reveal my secrets, or turn her friends against me -- the thought of having people poisoned against me is frightening when I can hardly handle the thought of ONE person I care about disliking me. One of the hardest parts for me is that my relationship has positives, nice times and little moments of happiness when I actually feel understood. I often wonder, if my girlfriend was just a straight up monster and things were awful 100% of the time, might it be easier for me to put my foot down and leave for good? But she’s not, she’s a complex human being, and even when things have gotten awful it’s so hard to give up the little happinesses that I’ve learned to find comfort in.
I will try your idea about strengthening myself and my resolve by creating a list of what I think I will need in challenging times! I have benefitted from similar things so I think that could be very effective for me. and thank you for the articles!
Hi love,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude for advice. I’m very sorry to hear that you are struggling to leave this relationship. I know you have struggled with this for quite some time, and I can’t imagine how exhausting that must feel. Fear is more powerful than we often give it credit for; it’s powerful enough to keep people in situations (similar to this one) that are dangerous to them. I’ll start by briefly sharing my own experience.
Not too long ago, fear held me back from leaving a toxic relationship as well. What really kept me from leaving was fear of being alone, fear that they would reveal my secrets to others, as well as fear that I would not find someone to be with ever again. That fear forced me to find comfort in the relationship I was in, despite the mental toll it took on me. I became determined to spend the rest of my life with them, even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness and well-being.
I know others told you countless times that you are better off breaking up with your girlfriend, so I will not bore you with the same spiel. I do, however, want you to tell you something I found helpful for my situation. I know my fear held me back from leaving an unhealthy relationship, but I also wanted to acknowledge that that same fear was trying to protect me. The fear of being alone (among other things) scared me, and that fear was trying to prevent me from feeling those negative emotions. To combat this, I basically had to tell fear, “Thank you for protecting me, but I trust that I will be okay in the end.”
Going along with that, there are ways you can feel prepared for what might come. You mentioned that when you first broke up with your girlfriend, it left you in a very dark state. Ask yourself, what did I really need during that time to help me cope? Maybe you wanted to be surrounded by the emotional support of friends and family. Or, maybe you wanted to be emotionally prepared for what you were feeling at the moment. After making a list of your needs, starting finding ways to meet them. You could start reaching out to loved ones, do research on healthy coping mechanisms (https://positivepsychology.com/coping/), make an appointment with your therapist or start seeing one (https://openpathcollective.org/), or whatever else you think of that you feel would comfort you.
This does not mean that you be filled with joy if you do break up with her; you will likely still have trouble dealing with what happened. However, the action plan that you create is a way of reassuring yourself that you have resources available to help keep you safe.
I also found some articles on dealing with fear that might benefit you:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meditation-modern-life/202011/learning-let-go-fears%3famp
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/thoughts-and-feelings/202101/new-path-dealing-fear%3famp
Asking Jude is here to help. If you have any other questions or concerns, please let us know by reaching out to us again.
Sending you love and support,
Helen
Hi, @Stuart Kristensen ! Thank you so much of reaching out to Asking Jude! One of our peer counsellors, Helen, will get back to you shortly. Until then, stay strong.