I've recently been in a new friendship that started a couple of months ago. Things were going great at the beginning and we used to talk a lot on the phone and hang out almost everyday. She used to tell me that she loves me but now I feel like things aren't what they used to be. I feel like I'm being clingy by always sending messages or calls first these days, so I started distancing myself to give her some space because sometimes I can judge from the tone of her voice like she doesn't feel like talking at the moment but it's been happening a lot lately. And she doesn't ask me if I'd want to hang out with her anymore. The weird thing is sometimes when I want to give her some space, she calls and asks me where I've been and when I make an effort to reach out first, it's like she doesn't feel like it or doesn't pay attention to what I'm saying. I'm almost at a point where I'm sick of this pushing and pulling situation where I don't want to care anymore but I've grown attached to her and miss all the wonderful conversations and outings we had. She's also my favorite and my kind of friend even though my other friends are much 'nicer' than her. I feel like it'll be awkward if I ask her things like "What happened between us?" or "Why aren't we as close as we used to?" Any suggestions?
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Thank you so much Drew and Angelica!
I thought you were talking about a romantic relationship at first; that’s what this sounds like to me. It does sound like she’s backing off from the friendship a bit; perhaps she’s just withdrawing a bit to recharge or she’s feeling conflicted. It does strike me as odd that you two almost sound like a couple and yet aren’t. Yes, friends can platonically say “I love you,” but what I see here reads more like a couple and not friends.
That being said, it is indeed possible to be clingy in any relationship. Folks who feel suffocated tend to withdraw, but folks who just need a breather will, too. It’s completely okay to check in with your friend and assess your friendship with her; these conversations are difficult because they’re necessary. Talking to her will allow you to more accurately understand her boundaries and her needs, which will make it easier for you to respect them in the future. Of course, this goes both ways; you can’t have a healthy relationship of any sort without respect.
I have some articles that talk about clinginess and how to maintain healthy boundaries and communication in friendships:
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/am-i-clingy-what-to-do/
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/category/loneliness/
https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/how-to-tell-your-friend-theyre-being-clingy-without-hurting-their-feelings/
These will be helpful for you because you can figure out your feelings towards her and how to maintain a healthier friendship with her for the future. They will help you have those difficult yet necessary conversations with her.
Are you familiar with attachment styles? These are ways of describing the types of bonds we have with people- especially with our parents. Some folks have more anxious or insecure attachments to other people, so they may overdo or under-do it in their approaches to their relationships. In other words, some people will give too much attention to others while some will not give enough.
This article explains these anxious attachment styles quite nicely: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201904/how-anxious-attachment-style-affects-relationships
Perhaps examining your attachment style can help you figure out how to better navigate your friendships and even your relationship with yourself. This can help you figure out how you feel about your friend and how to nurture your friendship with her in the future.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile
Hi, Leila! We will answer your submission very soon. Stay strong!
Thank you for getting in touch with Asking Jude. I'm not a Peer Counslor, I'm a member, here. Based on what you say in your 'ask,' based on all of the experiencs I've gone through, I would simply ask your friend, either on the phone or via e-mail or text, simply that you need to find out from your friend if she feels there's been a change in the relationship, and, if so, to explain what that is. Also, make sure you let her know that you've been confused for quite some time about what has been going on. That's what I would do, in your situation. A Peer Counslor will get back to you. Good luck...