Hope you are well!
I need some advice really. I have been with my boyfriend for a long time. A few years back I caught him sending very inappropriate messages to other women. Which he said were jokes. To me these are not jokes. And I basically said he can either keep doing that and I leave or he stops. After a lot of him blaming me for getting caught and doing it a second time he said he would stop. However, I have still carried doubts with me for this time, but he has been quite convincing that he has changed and that he is so sorry for what he did. and He regrets it so much. He has been so convincing that I started to believe maybe he had. He says he cares about me and respects me.
However, I have found otherwise and I don't know what to do. Even though he has caused much sadness to me, I do love and care about him but I don't know If I can do this anymore.
I need to know whether I am being controlling or what he is saying is flirting. I have told him many times I don't feel comfortable with this behaviour but he says that I am trying to change him and that they are just jokes. He also has a habit of lying to me about many things so I feel like I can't trust a word he says.
On one of his profiles this girl called him an ass and he said 'where'. This made me feel like he is trying to see other womens parts and I felt really hurt. I found this stream of this girl he was talking to and he said 'you had to scare them so you could show them your finishing move...? which is? getting on your knees?' he was also calling her baby/babe which hurt me to because I always thought that I say that to my partner because they are my partner. Please tell me if these things are flirting or bad? because I honestly don't know if I am just looking for anything. I am not proud of looking at his profile or watching that stream but I had to know if he is lying to me or not and I think he is. He is saying this in a public place so I dread to think what he says in private. I have felt so sad because I don't know what to do.
He gets so jealous if I speak to another person, yet he is allowed to say these things? I don't have any friends, and I feel so angry. I always think about his feelings yet he is constantly dismissing mine. If I was saying these things to people I know he would get very mad. He is always putting his insecurities on me. I would never do this because I respect him and his feelings that I would never want to hurt him. So why does he do this with me. He says he loves and cares about me but can't even respect my boundaries at all and is lying to me still.
I'm not sure whether to talk about it or just leave without saying anything as I don'r want him to say they were jokes or turn it on me. I can't live my life with s
I just need to know if I am being crazy or not
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude for advice. I’m very sorry to hear about these issues with your boyfriend. It sounds like you two are disagreeing on what is and is not appropriate in your relationship. I first want to clarify that you are not crazy for being concerned about how he talks to other women; it is important to establish and maintain boundaries in order to respect one another in the relationship. From my perspective, calling someone who is not my significant other ‘baby’ and discussing sexual topics could be considered flirting. However, my perspective is only mine, and I am in no position to tell you how to feel or what your boyfriend’s intentions were. What I can do is help you reach your own decision and offer my recommendations on how to go from there.
How you approach the next step depends on whether or not you still want to be with him. I know you mentioned that you love and care about him, so this can be a very heavy question to answer. It can help to remember that you can love someone and still decide not to keep them in your life. You can also love someone and decide to work things out with them. I know not receiving a definitive answer as to what you should do can be frustrating; after all, who would not want the most straightforward answer in this scenario? However, I want you to take time and decide for yourself what you really want. You can ask yourself if he makes you happy, if you can trust him, if you and him put in equal effort into your relationship, and if you can see long-lasting, positive change occurring. Consider what you value and require in a relationship, and whether this relationship is offering you those things consistently. Answering these questions can guide you in constructing your next step. You can also visit this link (https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-relationship#characteristics) to analyze the health of your relationship.
If you chose to break up with him, I recommend checking out the following link for advice on how to do this: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/i-hear-you/201805/fourteen-ways-break-better%3famp. Breakups can be uncomfortable, awkward, and painful, even if it is the best decision for you both. It may even be tempting to sway your decision due to the heartache you feel in that moment. However, remind yourself of why you made this decision in the first place. You may even want to visit this link (https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.glamour.com/story/what-to-do-if-you-regret-breaking-up-according-to-a-neuroscientist/amp) for advice on combatting breakup regrets.
If you chose to work things out with him, I still recommend being honest with him about what is concerning you. This includes being honest about what you found while looking through his profile and stream. Discuss what you saw and how it made you feel, then allow him to respond. Communication is essential for every meaningful relationship, especially when actively trying to repair things. Additionally, remember that repairing a relationship is a two-way street that requires effort from you and him. See if this link can help with trust-building between the two of you: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201812/7-ways-build-trust-in-relationship%3famp
I know all of this can be a lot to consider. Do not feel pressured to decide what to do right away; really think about what would be the best for your happiness, health, and overall wellbeing. If you need more guidance, Asking Jude is here to help.
Sending love and support,
Hello, Sammie! This is Jude. One of our peer counsellors will answer your submission shortly. Until then, stay strong!