So I’m more of a shy, “passive” person and I find that people respect me less because of it. There’s two sides to this. Those who are overly nice to me, as if I’m in a way deserving of being treated better because I’m shy, they basically treat me as a child (not to the full extent but you get the picture), to make themselves feel better.
Then there’s those who are very condescending when talking to me, as if I don’t know anything. I can ask for something just to have a confirmation that my information is right, and then they’ll answer condescendingly. example: - do leave at five? - no, we leave at five
it’s really annoying and I don’t know what to do about it, do you have any advice. (a lot of people do this to me, so it’s kind of hard to have a like “one on one conversation about the behaviour, but more of like advice on how to get people to stop doing this in general)
I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling with this. Being condescended to can be very frustrating, and often, it is difficult to figure out how to approach the situation. First, I’d like to let you know that there is nothing wrong with being shy or passive. The way that people are treating you is not your fault, and it is a reflection of their own personal opinions. You don’t have to become someone else in order to be treated better. You may need to make a few changes, though. What I mean by changes is how you handle the way other people treat you. They may not know that their behavior is harming you, so the best thing to do is to speak up as much, and to as many people, as possible. It doesn’t have to be aggressive or angry, but it may help people learn how to treat you.
Something that I think will be helpful to you is setting boundaries. A boundary will help direct others in how to treat you. It can be as simple as, “I don’t like when you talk to me that way.” Here are some tips on how to set boundaries: https://www.psychalive.org/how-to-create-healthy-boundaries-that-work-for-you/. Please be prepared—not everyone is going to have a positive reaction to these changes. Some people will feel frustrated, especially since this may be something you haven’t tried before. Their feelings may make you feel like you are doing the wrong thing. If this happens, remember why you have started boundary-setting in the first place.
There is a way to stand up for yourself without being cruel. Since you are passive, taking a kinder approach may work better for you. Here are some tips on how to stand up for yourself in a respectful manner: https://www.lifehack.org/898493/how-to-stand-up-for-yourself. Standing up for yourself is not only setting a boundaries, but enforcing them. This will take some practice, and also a bit of stubbornness.
Unfortunately, not everyone is going to like these changes, but they are necessary in helping you feel better. No one deserves to be mistreated. People may feel uncomfortable at first, because no one really likes their negative behaviors addressed. This doesn’t mean you are being mean or trying to make them feel bad—you are just making people aware. Here are some tips on how to handle someone who isn’t respecting your boundaries: https://inlpcenter.org/how-to-deal-with-someone-who-doesnt-respect-personal-boundaries/.
One of my favorites is “walk away.” Oftentimes, it doesn’t feel like we can leave a situation when it becomes too much. You can and should leave the situation if someone is blatantly disrespecting you. It may feel scary at first, so it will take some practice. I also recommend practicing what you would like to say before a situation occurs so you feel ready.
Hi there, @emily n ! Thank you so much for reaching out to Asking Jude! Our peer counsellor, Andrea, will be answering your submission within the next 48 hours; that being said, if you need a response sooner, tell us, and we'll accommodate! Until then, stay strong.