Hi there, I honestly can't remember if I submitted something similar on your Tumblr before I found out about this outlet, so please disregard that ask!
The past week has been really rough for my boyfriend and I. It started off when I found out he still had contact with his ex, it made me really anxious and insecure and I definitely wasn't my chipper self for a couple of days. We're coming up on our one year anniversary so it freaked me out I didn't know anything about his ex and I was feeling these insecurities that I feel should've been dealt with in the beginning of the relationship, but I know that's also my fault because at the start I didn't want to have that conversation, thinking ignorance is bliss.
Anyway, during this time I decided to just air out any curiosities I had to get everything over with so I asked him if he still followed/talked to any one he had feelings for and if he had feelings for any of his friends. At first he told me no, but then I started name dropping and he said he did like one of his friends from college (in a different city) but it was years ago and the feelings were so brief that he didn't even remember liking her. I believed him.
The next day, something in my gut was telling me he wasn't being honest with me. So instead of wondering forever and having the same exact talk again, I just straight up asked to see his phone. He gave it to me and that's when I found out he lied. He liked this girl for at least a year and he was talking to his friends about telling her how he felt, which he eventually did, but she said she didn't feel the same way. A month after that rejection, he started going on dating apps and that's when we first started talking.
I was really upset and hurt that he lied to me. He told me that with how I reacted to finding out about his ex on his social media, he wanted to spare my feelings since he didn't want me to go through that again and have all these insecurities and anxiety. He also admitted he was selfish because he was afraid I would leave him because I couldn't handle his past. I understand where he was coming from because I know I handle things a lot more dramatically than I think most people would, but we also had this conversation months ago about how I'd much rather be told the truth and not have anything hidden from me just to spare my feelings. He told me he wouldn't do it again, yet there he was, doing it again.
We had a long talk to air everything out and I realize the ball is now in my court to trust him again, but it's so hard. He had a chance to learn from his mistake the first time he hid something from me (nothing really serious) but he didn't take the chance. What if he never learns anything from our conversations and will just continue to lie to me and have excuses for doing so? It's scary to me that I believe him so easily because I viewed him to be a trustworthy person. If I hadn't asked for his phone, I would've probably never found out about this lie. He understands what he did was wrong, regardless of his intentions, but I still feel weird. I know he doesn't talk to that girl nearly as much as he did when he was crushing on her, but they still see each other at events every now and then (along with his very first girlfriend) when he goes back up to his college town to visit his friends.
I know he loves me, but being lied to isn't a good feeling. Sometimes I'll feel fine then I remember everything that happened and I feel so anxious for a period of time. I don't know how I'll be able to start trusting him again or if I'll truly be able to get over this and accept the fact he will be seeing his first ex and this girl he had a crush on every now and then since they share mutual friends. This week has just been awful for us and I don't know if it's a sign or if it's just something that we needed to go through to get everything out in the open so we can move on from this together. I know nobody can tell me whether or not I should continue this relationship, but some insight and help would be great. I'm feeling very lost and conflicted. Also, this post sounds pretty negative, but overall I can honestly say he's been really good to me haha.
Thank you xx