Hi there, I honestly can't remember if I submitted something similar on your Tumblr before I found out about this outlet, so please disregard that ask!
The past week has been really rough for my boyfriend and I. It started off when I found out he still had contact with his ex, it made me really anxious and insecure and I definitely wasn't my chipper self for a couple of days. We're coming up on our one year anniversary so it freaked me out I didn't know anything about his ex and I was feeling these insecurities that I feel should've been dealt with in the beginning of the relationship, but I know that's also my fault because at the start I didn't want to have that conversation, thinking ignorance is bliss.
Anyway, during this time I decided to just air out any curiosities I had to get everything over with so I asked him if he still followed/talked to any one he had feelings for and if he had feelings for any of his friends. At first he told me no, but then I started name dropping and he said he did like one of his friends from college (in a different city) but it was years ago and the feelings were so brief that he didn't even remember liking her. I believed him.
The next day, something in my gut was telling me he wasn't being honest with me. So instead of wondering forever and having the same exact talk again, I just straight up asked to see his phone. He gave it to me and that's when I found out he lied. He liked this girl for at least a year and he was talking to his friends about telling her how he felt, which he eventually did, but she said she didn't feel the same way. A month after that rejection, he started going on dating apps and that's when we first started talking.
I was really upset and hurt that he lied to me. He told me that with how I reacted to finding out about his ex on his social media, he wanted to spare my feelings since he didn't want me to go through that again and have all these insecurities and anxiety. He also admitted he was selfish because he was afraid I would leave him because I couldn't handle his past. I understand where he was coming from because I know I handle things a lot more dramatically than I think most people would, but we also had this conversation months ago about how I'd much rather be told the truth and not have anything hidden from me just to spare my feelings. He told me he wouldn't do it again, yet there he was, doing it again.
We had a long talk to air everything out and I realize the ball is now in my court to trust him again, but it's so hard. He had a chance to learn from his mistake the first time he hid something from me (nothing really serious) but he didn't take the chance. What if he never learns anything from our conversations and will just continue to lie to me and have excuses for doing so? It's scary to me that I believe him so easily because I viewed him to be a trustworthy person. If I hadn't asked for his phone, I would've probably never found out about this lie. He understands what he did was wrong, regardless of his intentions, but I still feel weird. I know he doesn't talk to that girl nearly as much as he did when he was crushing on her, but they still see each other at events every now and then (along with his very first girlfriend) when he goes back up to his college town to visit his friends.
I know he loves me, but being lied to isn't a good feeling. Sometimes I'll feel fine then I remember everything that happened and I feel so anxious for a period of time. I don't know how I'll be able to start trusting him again or if I'll truly be able to get over this and accept the fact he will be seeing his first ex and this girl he had a crush on every now and then since they share mutual friends. This week has just been awful for us and I don't know if it's a sign or if it's just something that we needed to go through to get everything out in the open so we can move on from this together. I know nobody can tell me whether or not I should continue this relationship, but some insight and help would be great. I'm feeling very lost and conflicted. Also, this post sounds pretty negative, but overall I can honestly say he's been really good to me haha.
Thank you xx
Hi there,
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude for help. I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties happening between you and your boyfriend. I want to reassure you that your pain is completely valid. Hearing that your boyfriend was dishonest with you on different occasions is a hurtful situation that you should not have had to experience. You are correct when you say that no one can tell you whether to forgive him or not. You know what is best for you, and no one at Asking Jude knows your relationship better than you do. However, here are some questions you can ask yourself to guide your decision:
1. Do I want to forgive my boyfriend, or am I feeling pressured to do so?
2. If I do choose to forgive him, what are some things him and I can do differently to ensure our relationship succeeds?
3. Do I believe that he respects, cares about, and loves me?
4. Do I believe he is capable of changing his behavior (without me having to remind him)?
5. With the right communication, time, and effort between us, am I capable of forgiving him?
Additionally, here are some articles you can use to help make your choice:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201410/when-you-should-and-should-not-forgive%3famp
https://www.bustle.com/articles/192470-5-times-its-ok-to-give-your-partner-a-second-chance-5-times-you-shouldnt
If you do choose to forgive him, remind yourself that this process may not be easy. There are generally three stages of forgiveness: impact, meaning, and moving-on. Respectively, you both must absorb what happened, make sense of it, and adjust to this new stage in your relationship. That includes expressing your disapproval of what happened, communicating with him about why it happened, and discussing clear boundaries to prevent this from happening again in the future. It may be helpful to let him know that although he was trying to spare your feelings, lying is unacceptable. Discuss the consequences as well.
I also found a great article with tips on how the two of you can rebuild trust, which I will link here: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.wellandgood.com/how-to-rebuild-trust/amp/.
I know that a choice like this must not be easy to make. Thus, I encourage you to take your time and think it through before you decide what to do. Promise yourself that you will prioritize your happiness and health before making your decision.
Wishing the best for you both,
Helen
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