Hi, I currently don’t really have a name and am Afab.
About 2 years ago, I had a small epiphany of ‘not being a girl’ and since then, I’ve put effort into presenting more androgynously. Short hair, borrowed clothes from my father and brother, buying a binder, etc. The euphoria that came with these changes was amazing. ‘Not a girl’ suited me just fine and other people’s perception of me never really bothered me much, even if they still used she/her pronouns and called me by my (rather feminine) birthname. If I had to label it, I would say I’m nonbinary, but it never really came up with anyone else.
Recently, however, a friend of mine came out as trans. In an attempt to sympathize, I came out to her as nonbinary, and I feel like I’ve been spiraling ever since.
I’m not comfortable hanging around this limbo of ‘not a girl’ anymore. I want to put a label on what I’m feeling, because labels personally give me structure, but I’m not sure how. The best way I can describe it is that I wish that I was Amab and then could present more femininely, but going the other way around doesn’t feel right (being Afab and presenting as transmasculine). Coming out to anyone terrifies me, especially to my family, using gender neutral pronouns in my language isn't even an option, and I’m really worried about transitioning and regretting it, even though the idea of micro dosing T excites me like my short hair and binder did.
I don’t know who to talk to about this. I feel like can’t talk to a doctor about this before coming out to my parents, but I can’t come out to my parents before figuring things out, but I feel like I can’t figure things out without seeing a doctor. The last thing I want to do is talk to my friend, who is actually trans, about how I’m feeling. We’re not that close and my feelings feel insignificant compared to her experience as an out and transitioning person.
In summary, I feel absolutely lost. Any advice would be welcome at this point.