Hi, I currently don’t really have a name and am Afab.
About 2 years ago, I had a small epiphany of ‘not being a girl’ and since then, I’ve put effort into presenting more androgynously. Short hair, borrowed clothes from my father and brother, buying a binder, etc. The euphoria that came with these changes was amazing. ‘Not a girl’ suited me just fine and other people’s perception of me never really bothered me much, even if they still used she/her pronouns and called me by my (rather feminine) birthname. If I had to label it, I would say I’m nonbinary, but it never really came up with anyone else.
Recently, however, a friend of mine came out as trans. In an attempt to sympathize, I came out to her as nonbinary, and I feel like I’ve been spiraling ever since.
I’m not comfortable hanging around this limbo of ‘not a girl’ anymore. I want to put a label on what I’m feeling, because labels personally give me structure, but I’m not sure how. The best way I can describe it is that I wish that I was Amab and then could present more femininely, but going the other way around doesn’t feel right (being Afab and presenting as transmasculine). Coming out to anyone terrifies me, especially to my family, using gender neutral pronouns in my language isn't even an option, and I’m really worried about transitioning and regretting it, even though the idea of micro dosing T excites me like my short hair and binder did.
I don’t know who to talk to about this. I feel like can’t talk to a doctor about this before coming out to my parents, but I can’t come out to my parents before figuring things out, but I feel like I can’t figure things out without seeing a doctor. The last thing I want to do is talk to my friend, who is actually trans, about how I’m feeling. We’re not that close and my feelings feel insignificant compared to her experience as an out and transitioning person.
In summary, I feel absolutely lost. Any advice would be welcome at this point.
Hi there,
You sound like you’re in a liminal state. It’s okay. If it helps, remember that there is no one way to be non-binary, be a woman, be androgynous, or be anything. I have a friend who is dating and very much in love with a non-binary person she refers to as her partner. Said partner uses a mix of pronouns but usually uses they/them.
I understand that, as you said, your gender identity was centered on “not a girl,” but now that some time has passed, you feel like you’re in a liminal state. It really sounds like a rejection of femininity, but now you feel there’s more to it. Are there aspects of femininity or being a girl that you just don’t like? Maybe just exploring that question can help you. If it helps, a lot of girls in my age bracket (I’m 26) went through a, “Not Like Other Girls” phase where they rejected a lot of stereotypical feminine fashions, habits, hobbies, and behaviors, etc. It’s because they see the negative perspective society has on most feminine things, and they don’t want to be targets of that negativity. Rejecting femininity seems to make some women and girls feel like they are better than other girls or women. There’s a whole article about this on TV Tropes because it’s something that happens both in media and real-life:
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/NotLikeOtherGirls
The site is full of other interesting articles, so try not to fall TOO far down the rabbit hole. XD Sarah Andersen, the artist whose comic appears on that page, has some really great comics about this, too. Her work is another rabbit hole, so consider yourself warned! XD
Basically, I’m wondering if you’re feeling that sting of rejection from people around you, and maybe that’s why you’re feeling so uncomfortable with femininity. I can tell you that color-coding everything kids like doesn’t help, either; one of my friends calls it “the commodification of femininity.” Think about how toys and clothes are marketed to kids; who gets the pink toys, and who gets the blue toys? What clothes are marketed just to girls and what clothes are marketed just to boys? What clothes are marketed to women, and what clothes are marketed to men?
I think Cinderella Ate My Daughter would be a good book for you to read because the author, Peggy Orenstein, explores the insane gendering and coding of kids’ stories, toys, and more. She talks a lot about fairy tales and children’s media and the ways they can influence kids of all ages. She even delves into the Girl Power ™ trope from the 1990s.
I remember you saying that you can’t use gender-neutral pronouns in your language, so perhaps you could use both masculine and feminine ones? Maybe just use a mix of whatever you have available until you find the ones that fit you. You aren’t under any obligation to come out; it should be your choice and something you do if/when you feel ready.
You mentioned your trans friend, but you say you two aren’t really close. I think it’s okay to talk to her more and ask her a little about some of her experiences. Maybe she can share some wisdom from her journey through transition. Just keep in mind that she isn’t a therapist, and she isn’t able to speak for all trans or non-cisgender people. If you ask her a little about her journey (like how she figured out that she is trans), maybe she can open up to you a little, and you two can become a little closer. It’s okay to lean on her at least a little bit because she’s your friend. Maybe see if she has already talked about her process on social media or elsewhere and see if you can learn from that.
I also highly suggest seeking out groups and boards for people in your shoes because I bet a lot of them are out there. See what others have experienced and see if their experiences relate to yours at all. I bet that you aren’t the only person in the world dealing with this; no one has existential crises for fun.
I found a couple of resources for you to find other non-binary folks:
https://lgbt.foundation/who-we-help/trans-people/non-binary
https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Directory_of_online_communities
Just remember that it’s okay if you haven’t figured everything out right now. You don’t have to have your entire self and life figured out right this minute; you have your whole life to learn more about yourself. These folks may be able to help you figure out if it’s a good idea to go to a doctor and what to say if you do. Why do you want to go to a doctor about this? What do you think they’ll do or say? Do you think having a medical professional on your side will make this more real to your parents and thus easier for them to take seriously? I understand if that’s the case because parents don’t always understand things or don’t readily accept when their kids come out. If you do get to go to a doctor, make sure you listen to everything they tell you and follow all their instructions.
Hugs,
Angelica Barile
Hello, love! This is Jude. I have just relayed your submission to one of our lovely interns experienced in LGTBQ+ matters. Thank you so much for supporting Asking Jude's transition to a new platform!