Hey Jude I’m really struggling with a situation that stresses me out. So in March I became friend and started to hang out with this guy at uni. I introduced him to my other uni-friends and we hang out all together. So I noticed that he was very flirtatious with me and at the beginning I just acted as if nothing was happening. I then slowly started to develop feelings for him but I didn’t realized yet so in meantime I was seeing other people (he was doing the same btw). We used to text every day and spend hours in phone calls but everything changed when one night I was hanging out this girl (I’m bi) and I met him. He knew that I was dating her but I think seeing me with her in person was different for him. He started to distance himself and would take hours to answer a text so I stopped contacting him. We barely texted during the summer and when September started we started seeing each other again for the lessons. My feelings for him were clear now and I wasn’t seeing anyone else and he began to talk to me as he used to do (even if at the start he was a bit cold). After some weeks I decided to make a move and one time when we were alone I kissed him. He was surprised but not in a bad way and we decided to go on a date the same night, but after few hours he texted me that he couldn’t go anymore. The next day he showed up at uni and acted like nothing happened. Since he wasn’t talking about that I decided to not talk about that either. Until some weeks later we were alone on the train to go home and for a specific motif (who would take too much space to explain) I called out his behavior and called him a coward and other things and I finished by saying I wasn’t sure to be friends anymore. He stopped coming to uni (it’s been three weeks) and I didn’t contact him since. I have to add that his mother is really conservative and made him very clear that she wouldn’t tolerate him dating a bi girl (he said this one time during a call before he distanced himself) and I think me being bi is a problem to him (even if he would never admit that). This stresses me out because he eventually will come back to uni and he will stay constantly with me because we are in the same group.
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Hi there,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I am sorry that you are struggling with this situation. Friend group dynamics can be challenging, especially if there is someone in the group with whom you are no longer friends. I would recommend setting and enforcing boundaries in your relationship with him. Boundaries are rules or parameters that you can set to keep yourself safe, and it can be anything that will help you feel more comfortable around him. For example, leaving a situation if he is being disrespectful towards you, or deciding to take some time away from your relationship with him if he does or says a certain thing.
Here is some additional information on boundaries: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm.
Biphobia is a terrible issue in modern society, and I am sorry you are experiencing discrimination from someone close to you. If you feel comfortable, I would recommend talking to him. You may not receive the explanation or closure you want after this conversation, so try to prepare for the possibility of a negative reaction. If he refuses to change his mindset regarding bisexual people, it may be best to reevaluate your relationship with him.
Here are some general tips on how to have difficult conversations: https://www.mindful.org/how-to-navigate-difficult-conversations/.
Unfortunately, we cannot control the feelings and opinions of others, so it is important to not live for someone else’s approval or acceptance. Though it is a nice thing to have, it cannot be our only source of validation. Here are some tips on how to handle family and friends who are unaccepting of your sexuality: https://www.onemedical.com/blog/healthy-living/how-to-deal-unaccepting-family-if-youre-lgbtq/.
Try to recognize and accept all of your feelings, and understand that they are always valid. Thank you again for reaching out to Asking Jude, and I hope that some of this information was helpful. Please do not hesitate to reach out again.
Hang in there,
Andrea