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Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I am sorry to hear that you are navigating this difficult situation. Telling a friend who has taken a romantic interest in you that you are aromantic and asexual due to trauma can be a challenging conversation, but it is necessary to establish boundaries and communicate your feelings.
It is important to start the conversation by being straightforward and honest. Saying something like, “I need to talk to you about something important” can show your friend that they should be taking the conversation seriously. Try to approach the conversation with an open mind, and be specific and honest about what aspects of your friend’s behavior are making you uncomfortable and scared. Using “I” statements like “I feel scared” or “I feel uncomfortable” can emphasize your feelings and get your point across. You can also use this conversation to explain your sexuality; tell your friend that you identify as aroace, and that you cannot reciprocate their feelings because you are not attracted to them. The topic of sexuality can be difficult and uncomfortable, and your friend may not understand your position when you first explain it to them. Try to be understanding regardless of their response, but if they challenge your feelings, hold your ground and reiterate your boundaries. You could also give them resources so they can educate themselves on the topic of sexuality and trauma.
Here are some helpful resources on how you can discuss your sexuality with your friends and family: https://www.bupa.com/news/stories-and-insights/2020/discussing-sexuality-with-family-and-friends; https://www.aromanticism.org/en/news-feed/coming-out-advice. While you should be honest and straightforward about your feelings regarding your friend’s behavior, try to approach the conversation with kindness. They could interpret your directness as a sign of hostility, or they may feel you are being unnecessarily rude or blunt. They could also have questions about your sexuality, or they may require additional time to process the information. Allow your friend to respond and share their feelings without judgement, and try to be patient and understanding regardless of their reaction.
In the event that your friend does not react well to your sexuality or your feelings toward their obsessive behaviors, you may need to think about the future of your friendship with this person. Be prepared to distance yourself if their behavior continues to make you uncomfortable. I have provided a resource that discusses what to do when family or friends are unaccepting of your sexuality: https://www.onemedical.com/blog/healthy-living/how-to-deal-unaccepting-family-if-youre-lgbtq/.
Try to prepare for the fact that this conversation may be emotionally challenging for you and your friend. It's important to prioritize your well-being and set boundaries that make you feel safe and comfortable in the relationship. If your friend refuses to respect your boundaries or continues to make you feel scared, you may want to reevaluate the friendship for your own emotional health.
I hope that some of this information was helpful. Please feel free to reach out to Asking Jude again if you have any further questions.
Wishing you luck,