I think I might be pan, but I'm afraid to come out to my parents (especially my dad) because they're both kind of homophobic/conservative. My mom said she would still love people if they were lgbtq+, but it means there's something mentally wrong with you.
I don't really know how to come out to them or when (I'm kind of on the younger side). I don't know if it even really matters coming out to my dad since I plan on going no contact with him since he's manipulative and narcissistic.
I'm also unsure of how to come out to my friends, or if that's even necessary. I could always just be like "Hey here's my girlfriend" but everytime I think I might be able to, my heart rate goes up wayyy more than it should and I feel really dizzy.
I'm just really confused and I don't even know if any of this made sense. I'm sorry for the long post of nonsense.
Thank you,
Anon
Hi there,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. Deciding to come out to your friends and family is a big deal, and it can be terrifying if you are unsure of how they will react. Many LGBTQ+ people only come out to the people with whom they are comfortable and safe. Remember that you do not owe this information to anyone, and if you decide that you do not want to come out to your mother and father, there is nothing wrong with that.
Here are a few articles that discuss coming out in greater detail: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/Coming-Out-Handbook.pdf; https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/coming-out.html.
It is great that you are thoroughly thinking about this decision. Since your father is manipulative and narcissistic, I would exercise caution in coming out to him if you decide to do so. Since he is homophobic, he may eventually try to use this information against you at some point. It is ultimately your decision, but try to weigh the pros and cons of telling him. If you cannot come up with a decent reason for telling him, I would recommend you don’t formally come out to him.
You also mentioned that you were likely going to go no-contact with him eventually. Here is some information on that topic you may find interesting: https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/08/24/tips-for-going-no-contact-with-a-toxic-parent/.
It sounds like your friends are accepting and welcoming of all aspects of your identity. It is completely normal to still feel uneasy or unsure about coming out, even if you understand that they will not judge you for it. If you don’t feel ready, that’s totally fine; there is no time limit for when you need to come out, and it is totally fine if you decide not to do so. If you do eventually decide that you want to come out to them, you may find it easier to come out to one friend at a time. Try to always prioritize your safety and comfort as you navigate this situation.
Thank you again for reaching out to Asking Jude. I hope that some of this information was helpful, and please do not hesitate to reach out again if you have any further questions.
Hang in there,
Andrea