This question includes questioning my sexuality along with sexual abuse along with sexual intimacy but I didn't know which category to put it under. I'm a gay female age 19. I identify as gay now but I used to identify as bisexual. I've always known since a young age that I was attracted to women. I only started identifying as bisexual when I was 14. I had a male friend, let's call him "Lucas". Lucas asked me if I was a lesbian and I said I wasn't sure. I briefly explained some of my feelings and he told me I was bisexual and that his sister was also bisexual. From then on I identified as bisexual. A couple months later I got into a "relationship" with Lucas. It was basically him just using me for nudes and I was seeking some kind of male approval because I was very insecure about my body at the time. We "dated" for a couple years, but again the basis of our "relationship" was sexual. He emotionally and sexually abused me during our entire relationship. He sexually assaulted me multiple times. I never had sex with him, because I didn't want to. He was the first person I ever had a sexual encounter with. Every sexual encounter I had with him was non consensual on my part. During this time I befriended another guy, let's call him "Michael". Michael ultimately helped me leave Lucas and he was the first person I told after Lucas sexually assaulted me. Michael listened to a lot of my problems and helped me a lot. Towards the end of my relationship with Lucas he started to cheat on me and it made me even more insecure about my body and just myself in general. I was also struggling with an eating disorder at the time. I started to flirt with Michael and we would exchange nudes and sext. Again, I was doing this because I sought male validation since I was insecure from being cheated on. After I broke up with Lucas I almost immediately got into a relationship with Michael. This was more so because Michael is very traditional and didn't want to "mess around" anymore if we weren't dating. So I agreed to start dating him because that's what he wanted and here I am 3 years later, still dating him... We've tried to do sexual stuff and it never works out. I never feel interested in it. I can't do it unless I'm the dominant one in the case scenario, even then I don't enjoy it. One time Michael tried to get on top of me and I had a panic attack and pushed him off, almost started crying. I am unable to see a therapist or psychiatrist right now because of my family. However, I think the sexual abuse I endured during my relationship with Lucas has severally negatively affected my sex drive and my sexual desire. I also have frequent nightmares about the sexual assault and I can't stand comfortably next to any tall man with the same built as Lucas. But that's besides the point... I don't have any desire to have sex with a man, I'm still a virgin. I am still sexually attracted to women though, as I've always been. I just haven't been able to experiment with women sexually because that would mean cheating on Michael. Anyways, after reading a pdf about compulsory heterosexually I felt as though I related to a lot of the things it mentioned and now I'm questioning if I'm even sexually attracted to men at all. The problem is, I don't know if I don't feel sexual attraction to men because I was assaulted or if it's because I'm actually a lesbian. I would experiment with girls right now but because of my family situation (I'm not out to them) and COVID, I'm unable to. Furthermore, for the last year in my relationship with Michael I have felt lack of romantic feelings to him and now I'm questioning if they were ever there in the first place. I just don't know. I'm unsure of how to tackle this. I don't even know where to start I just know I'm unhappy in my current situation. I want to break up with Michael but I don't really even know how to. He suffers with mental health issues of his own and I'm afraid of hurting him.