The uear I turned 18 my grandfather passed away and I always felt it limited my enjoyment of my 18th birthday because there was all the stress and grief about it.
I just found out my grandma has cancer for the second time in 2 years. I graduate University this summer. I'm worried she won't make it till then and just like my 18th birthday, I won't be able to enjoy that time abd thar big event in my life. I feel horribly guilty and selfish thinking like this because I really love and don't want to loosr my grandmother, but that thought sticks with me.
Hi, @Gina ! I'm so sorry for our very late response. One of our interns dropped the ball on this one, and we had to assign your submission to another intern, Andrea. I also added in my own advice for good measure. Thank you so much for your patience!
Below, you will find your long-awaited response. Once again, my sincere apologies for making you wait for so long:
Good evening,
First, I’d like to commend you on this achievement—congratulations on your upcoming graduation! This is a wonderful accomplishment and should be celebrated. You have put in the work and will soon be rewarded with that degree or certification. Way to go!
Secondly, I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you. I don’t think it makes you selfish for wanting to be celebrated. It is normal to react negatively when feeling overshadowed by something so momentous. Like you said, it isn’t as if you don’t care about your grandmother. I can understand why you’d feel guilty for thinking these thoughts, but I think that your grandmother would want to celebrate your achievement as well.
Even if your grandmother passes away, that doesn’t make your accomplishment any less special. You may not celebrate the way that you would like, but you will still be celebrating something wonderful. Keep things as normal as you can--celebrate and be proud of yourself while still being sensitive to your grandmother's situation. Try to find a happy-medium between these two events in almost diplomat-like style.
In my opinion, as the day approaches, the best way to celebrate this occasion in an appropriate manner is to adapt to the given circumstance. If she is able to attend the graduation and subsequent party, that's great! If she's unable to attend because of the progression of her cancer, celebrate with your friends and family one night and then with your grandmother another night.
If, however, she succumbs to her cancer, you might need to put celebrations on hold until the next year. Now, that doesn't mean you won't be celebrating! It just simply means that it'll have to happen at a later time--which is something to look forward to in itself! You can even honour your grandmother during that celebration, knowing that she would be in full support of all of it.
For more information on how to participate in situation-appropriate celebrations after some type of personal tragedy, view the following links below:
https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/i-learned-how-navigate-grief-while-celebrating-big-life-event-ncna1113241
https://childmind.org/article/how-to-handle-holidays-after-a-death-in-the-family/
https://www.cravens-funerals.com/dealing-with-special-occasions-after-the-loss-of-a-loved-one/
For more information on how to approach cancer in the family, view the following links below:
https://www.cancer.gov/publications/patient-education/when-someone-you-love-has-advanced-cancer.pdf
https://www.cancercare.org/publications/104-what_can_i_say_to_a_newly_diagnosed_loved_one
https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/supporting-someone/emotional-support-for-family-and-friends/your-feelings-when-someone-has-cancer
Everyone approaches situations like this differently. It is important to take time out for yourself but also not to dwell too much on how things may be impacted by these changes. Once again, you are not selfish for having your own thoughts and feelings about things—it is all about how you approach them.
Again, congratulations on your upcoming graduation. I’m sorry that things are happening the way that they are.
Hang in there and stay strong,
Andrea & Jude
Hi, @Gina ! Thank you so much for reaching out to Asking Jude. One of our peer counsellors, Jordan Kadish, will be answering your submission within 48 hours. That being said, if you need it sooner, notify me, and we will happily oblige. Until then, stay strong!
My mother's father was an example of a self-made business man that I have read about and heard of from other people, over the years. I believe he emigrated to the U.S. in the first decade of the 20th century and eventually settled on the New Jersey shore. The house that I used to visit in that New Jersey town (Long Branch) is one of those incomplete memories for me -- because I don't think I went into every room in the house -- and that house was much bigger than the home that I was accustomed to (an apartment). He emigrated from a village in Austria with his sister. You mentioned a 'home country.' I'm taking a guess -- Italy? Just wondering. I'll say it, again. You do not sound selfish, at all. A Peer Counselor will share insight and give you links to articles that you can read. I'm a member, here, not a Peer Counselor. The piece that I'm working on at my Tumblr blog will talk about history...
Hello from NYC, Gina! I don't think you are aselfish, at all. The fact that you are reaching out for help tells me that by asking for advice, you are not, by nature, selfis. You've come to the right place. A Peer Counselor is going to help you. Any memories of your grandfather and grandmother that you would care to share with everyone, here, at Asking Jude? My grandfather, on my mom's side of the family was quite a character.... And good luck with University...