This has been weighing on mind lately. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 years now and going on our 6 year. We’re both lesbians and she’s from overseas also, I’m the only person whom she’s ever dated. There was a time we both used to live together for a couple years until she went back. We did visit one another every 6 months but since ever the pandemic happened it was our first year of not seeing each other and it might happen again. Over the years, the texting and calling decreased to simple mornings and goodnights. So, she has been hanging out with her guy friend a lot plus sleeping over there as well. I do trust her and she trusts me as well. Mainly, I would know it’s because they’re just having a drinking night together. There are times I feel like she’s cheating on me. I have joked around with her a couple of times saying “you’re not cheating on me are you? Lol.” Her response would be “of course not” while laughing since I was joking with her. However, I want to confront her about it but I don’t want to accuse something she didn’t do. what should I do?
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Hi there,
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude for advice. I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties you are facing with your girlfriend; the pandemic has definitely put a strain on many relationships, particularly long-distance ones. Not being able to see your partner as often as desired can bring about relationship concerns, and in this case, concerns about infidelity.
Keep in mind that having a drinking night together does not constitute cheating. It is very possible that she is just having a good time with her friend (especially considering how she is a lesbian). However, it is understandable that you feel worried about your relationship; after all, the decrease in communication between you two can be concerning. Therefore, before you approach your girlfriend about cheating, I encourage you to ask yourself the following:
⁃ Has she ever given me a reason to think she is cheating?
⁃ What evidence do I have for me feeling concerned?
⁃ Am I jealous of her guy friend or am I jealous of the time he gets to spend with her?
If you feel that this issue is related to a cycle of negative thinking, here is a link with some tips on how to combat that: https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-challenge-negative-thoughts
I recommend communicating with your girlfriend about how you have been feeling. You mentioned that this has been on your mind for some time, and I think talking it through with your partner may allow you an opportunity to clarify things (and in turn, relieve some stress). Consider calling her at a time where the both of you are available. Then, disclose how much you have been missing her lately. You can mention how you two only seem to talk to each other for good morning and goodnight messages. It may also help to add that you feel jealous of the time her guy friend gets to spend with her. Here is an example of what you can say directly:
“Lately, I have been feeling ________. I miss how often we used to talk to each other. We used to talk ______, but nowadays we only seem to talk ________. It has gotten to the point where I feel jealous of how X gets to spend time with you but I can’t (or something similar). I would love to talk about this more with you because I love/care about you and our relationship.”
Remember to aim this discussion as a way to communicate and clarify rather than argue. Allow her to respond and really listen to what she says to say. Here is a link with how to communicate concerns in a relationship: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201101/the-art-solving-relationship-problems%3famp. Here is another with tips on how to be a better listener: https://psychcentral.com/lib/attention-couples-becoming-a-skilled-listener-and-effective-speaker#1
I hope that by communicating with her, the two of you can find solutions on how to improve this area in your relationship.
Sending love,
Helen