hi!! So the person I’m in a relationship with has lost a lover years ago and that person was also a best friend and they’re still grieving over this lost where it’s the one thing they always think about and is the cause of most of their down days, and I was just wondering what I could do to help, even though I understand the pain they most be going through the selfish part of me gets so sad knowing they’re thinking of someone else as well, and I feel so horrible to even think
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Thank you for contacting Asking Jude. I am so sorry to hear that your partner lost a loved one and is still grieving. The process is different for everyone, especially if it’s an ex-partner and best friend that passed away. Here is more information on grief https://www.mygriefassist.com.au/factsheets/.
I think that it’s wonderful that you want to support your significant other while they grieve.No one wants to see someone they love so down. Since the death of their ex happened a few years ago, I think that their grief is more profound than what you can do on your own. I would encourage them to seek out grief counseling from a mental health professional. It may help them move forward and find the closure that they may not have gotten. Check out this article for more information on this type of counseling: https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/grief/get-help; If they agree to get help, there are a few ways to find a therapist for them. They can reach out to their doctor for a referral. They can use https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/grief to find a therapist. If they aren’t able to afford therapy, they can check out https://themighty.com/2017/08/affordable-online-therapy-cheap/ for online alternatives.
Even if they get help from a therapist, there are ways that you can support them. I found these guides with helpful advice on what you can do for them:
I’m sure that your partner loves you and cares for you. However, they loved and cared for their ex as well. They had a bond before even being together. I know that it makes you sad that they’re thinking of someone else, but they’re not thinking about being with them. They’re trying to find a sense of closure that may not have gotten when their ex-first died. It’s okay that you feel that way. As I’ve stated, the grieving process is different for everyone, and they may not even know how to grieve appropriately. Here some articles that may help you understand what your significant other may be feeling in terms of bereavement:
The following are grief self-help guides that you should share with your partner when they are ready to move forward:
In addition to the resources above, I recommend that you utilize helplines for added support. This is a lot to handle on your own, and you may need some emotional support. Many hotlines are free, confidential, and available 24/7. Here are my suggestions
Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741 to speak with a crisis counselor.
7 Cups of Tea: Visit www.7cups.com or download their app (IOS or Google Play) to create an account. Once you have, you can start chatting with a trained volunteer or group sessions on numerous subjects.
CONTACT Helpline offers emotional support listening - Call 800-932-4616 to talk with a counselor.
The Samaritans is another emotional support and crisis intervention helpline-Call 877-870-4673 to speak with their support staff or visit https://samaritanshope.org/get-help/ for more options on how to get in touch with them.
I think that your partner would benefit from utilizing helplines as well. The above hotlines are perfect for your significant other to use as well. The Samaritans offer grief support groups that they may benefit from. In addition to the four I’ve recommend, your partner should check out these grief support lines as well:
Griefshare is a grief support group finder that they may find beneficial to their healing process. https://www.griefshare.org/.
Grief Anonymous is an organization that provides resources for bereavement. They hold online support groups. Visit https://griefanonymous.com/facebook-groups/ for more information.
GriefSpeaks is a national support group finder that lists more grief helplines http://www.griefspeaks.com/id76.html.
I hope that your significant other can heal and find the closure that they need to move on. Be by their side and be there to support them. It’s okay that you feel the way that you do, but please remember that your partner is not intentionally making you feel sad. They will get through this, and so will you. Be patient with them. If you need any more support, please don’t hesitate to come back to Asking Jude.
P.S check out our YouTube channel at www.youtube.com/c/AskingJude for helpful videos.