So my classmate who I've talked to a lot in the past year online told me he loved me. I view him as a friend only. After a conversation we had afterwards, he said it seems like I'm only friends with him because he's smart and helps me with school. It really struck a cord because yeah, I do always ask him stuff about school and I've told him many times that I feel really bad for it. Now I literally don't know how to feel and react - he said he doesn't want anything to change but how do I just ignore someone saying they're in love with me? I feel bad that he's sad because of me, I don't want to remind myself to him although he wants me to keep talking to him, AND I feel bad whenever we discuss school now. School is where we met and it's 70% of my life right now, I ALWAYS have to be dealing with school, Idk how to change any of it.
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Hi love,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. Changing dynamics between friends can be very difficult. First and foremost - you did nothing wrong. Being honest about your feelings and letting him down gently was the best and healthiest option for the both of you in the long run. You are not leading him on, you are setting clear boundaries, and you are letting him know exactly how you feel. There is nothing else you could have done in that situation. Unfortunately, this is a situation where one or both parties end up getting hurt, but that is not your fault.
Usually, this situation can have a few different outcomes. The best outcome- he understands and respects your feelings, he takes some time for himself to grow and recover, and then you resume your friendship. Alternatively, he can choose to end the friendship, which is his right. He might be hurt and feel like the friendship will not be the same in the near future; thus, he chooses to separate. Or, he can put his defenses up and deflect by blaming you. This is what seems to be happening here. As you both met during class, it is only natural you talk about school; there seems to be nothing wrong there.
At this point, I would talk to him and try to clearly establish how he feels as well. If he does not want to discuss classwork, then stay away from that topic and talk about something else. I understand that you do not want to make him sad, and rejection can be hurtful, but you are not obligated to reciprocate his feelings just so that he hurts less. If he says he does not want anything to change, I would suggest respecting that and trying to rebuild your friendship with him so you can move forward.
Make sure that you are being mindful and respectful of your own feelings in the meanwhile. You deserve to be happy, to have your feelings heard, and to have your boundaries respected. The pandemic has already caused a lot of stress for everyone, so please make sure you are taking the time for self-care.
Here are some resources that might help:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201711/confronting-conflict-friends
https://graziadaily.co.uk/life/opinion/dear-daisy-friend-says-love/
https://pairedlife.com/friendship/Help-My-Best-Friend-Loves-Me-What-Should-I-Do
Wishing you all the best,
Manisha
Hello, Mia! One of our team members will get to your submission soon.