Hey Jude, I feel quite stupid asking this as it's really something I need to figure out on my own but... I live in a two room apartment with a roommate right now, it's actually rather built for one person or a couple but has two rooms and a kitchen and we're quite comfortable. My roommate is gonna move out pretty soon (in one week) and pretty abruptly (she got into a school for a Ph.D., halfway across the country, didn't think she could go due to everything that's happening right now but it worked out after all) and I'm pretty devastated. We're very close and have a lot of the same needs from a roommate, both need a lot of space and alone time, both very neat, it just worked so well and we lived together for over three years... It feels very weird and incredibly sad. Thing is, my very best friend recently asked me if he could possibly move in. Now over the time we've been friends we've said a couple of times that it could be fun to live together and I honestly meant it but now the situation is so different... I just don't really know how to get accustomed to another person like that and so soon. Also, I took on a very intense work project in spring that's gonna finish in fall and made more money than I'd imagined before. Technically I could afford to live alone and I'm also gonna work 12 hour days for at least two more months and altogether... I was just really looking forward to being alone for a while. Especially with all the stress and then I was planning on finishing my thesis for the rest of the year (as libraries are closed right now). I never had the chance to live alone and never really craved it before but right now I was looking forward to some quiet time and having room to think and getting accustomed to life without my roommate. My friend who wants to move in also isn't in a dire situation, he's living with quite a lot of roommates (which he usually enjoys) but did talk about eventually moving somewhere with less people before, as it's quite stressful . I just really don't know what to do... Firstly, I'd feel incredibly selfish living alone. None of my friends (no one I even know!) live alone in a two-room apartment (the housing market in this city is... horrendous) and almost none live alone at all. It's not like this place is big but it would feel so selfish and wasteful and bad to just have this second room I don't necessarily need... It's just not something anyone does or can do. And secondly, he's my BEST friend. It's not even that I don't want to live with him, he'd be my first choice and I actually feel lucky this is a possibility, it's just that it's a lot right now and I feel like I need some time on my own and weirdly have the chance to get it. But now that he's asked me I just... really really don't know how to say no to him. I have absolutely no good reason to, I don't know how I would explain it to any of our other friends, I would just feel like a huge asshole to be honest. And I'm afraid it would make it awkward between us, I'm sure he'd understand but still, I don't even think I have a valid reason to say no myself, so how should I explain it to another person?! Honestly, just writing this down helped a lot and I know it's something I just need to take responsibility for and decide... But if you do have some words of advice I would love that! (Truly, the reason I'm here is that some years ago as a teenager on tumblr I got incredible advice from you two times that helped me through a really rough time and I sometimes remember that so... Thank you so much retrospectively!) Thanks already and love to you! - Annabelle
top of page
bottom of page
Hi Annabelle,
You have perfectly valid reasons to say no. You are NOT selfish at all for wanting to get a chance to live alone for a while. Literally nothing about this situation paints you in a bad light whatsoever; you are not a selfish or wasteful person. You’re allowed to miss your roommate and want to live alone simultaneously. I missed my family and friends when I moved away for college, but I was happy I had the chance to live away from home.
You are more than allowed to change your mind, even here. Your best friend will be fine; you already know his living situation! It’s perfectly fine and healthy to want a chance to live on your own; it means you want to exercise your independence! Kudos to you for being brave and wanting to do it. Living on your own doesn’t have to be lonely, either; it means you have all the freedom you want! :D You very well might need that freedom with all the stuff you have on your plate. If you’re working 12-hour days, you may want to just come home and flop onto your bed without worrying about waking up your roommate or seeing their dirty dishes piled up in the sink (again).
I know of some books and articles that can help you learn how to set boundaries with people:
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life - Henry Cloud and John Townsend
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty -Manuel J. Smith
https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/
https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/set-boundaries
Has your bff actually asked you about moving in? Because if he’s insinuating that he’ll just be moving in with you, disillusion him immediately. He has to ASK you about moving in and not just assuming that it’s okay to do so because you’ll find him outside with the moving truck and feel like it’s too late to say no. Telling him no now is better. Here’s how you can do it:
“Hey, remember when we talked about possibly moving in together? Well, after my roommate moved out and I looked at all the stuff I’ll have to do in the coming, months, I’ve realized that I do not want a roommate. I really want to get a chance to live on my own; it’s just too important to me to pass up.”
I think that he may be a bit hurt, but if he’s a good enough friend, he’ll understand and come around. Besides, it’s not like you’re picking him up off the streets, and even if you were, you are not obligated to house him. You know, living with him could very well change your friendship for the worse, so consider it a way of preserving your friendship.
If your best friend tries to argue with you about the validity of your reasons, remind him that he is not entitled to live with you. You’re letting him know so he doesn’t have to ask you. If you want a roommate in the future, you can ask him later on. This may sound harsh, but I just want you to be prepared if he tries sidestepping, steamrolling, or otherwise pushing your boundaries because that lets you know he cares more about his own wants than your needs. Seriously this should not be an argument at all, but if it becomes one, do not back down.
As for that second bedroom, turn it into whatever kind of room you want! A craft room, a library/study/home office, a gaming room, a hobby room, a pet room, a storage room, anything at all. Just resist the temptation to turn it into a guest room or else your bff or other friends may feel entitled to that space. That space is YOURS; you are not a hotel.
Hugs,
Angelica Barile
Hello, Annabelle! We just received your submission. One of our interns will be answering it shortly. Thank you so much for supporting our new community!