so i tested the waters with my friend and he told and explained to me for 1 hour how wrong homosexuality is and because I believed it was ok he would try to "help me" ( I did not come out to him because then I would be "shoving it down his throught")
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Hi love,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. It can be rough when the people closest to us are the ones that do not understand us. Most people who are homophobic have these deeply ingrained in them. The idea of homosexuality being a sin has been taught to some people since childhood. Going against the values taught to them by their parents, their religion, and in some cases their teachers as well. Thus, they believe they can “help” people from the LGBTQ+ community, not understanding that homosexuality is not a disease or a phase.
Here’s how I suggest you approach this situation. First, let him know about his homophobia. Since most of these people were taught to be this way, they may not be aware that they are hurting people. Let him know that what he is saying is coming off as immensely rude. But make it clear that you assume that he did not mean to sound that way.
If he is aware of his behavior, then calmly talk to him about how his ideas are not positively contributing to the people around him. Do not, under any circumstances, appear emotional, angry, or confrontational. He will immediately close up and attack your beliefs instead, eliminating any chances of listening to you. Ask him what he finds offensive about gays. Has he found any of these qualities in any gay people that he has met before? Does he feel threatened by them?
Understanding his attitude towards the LGBTQ+ community and how his attitude came to be will help you determine what to do next. Suppose your friend is genuinely bigoted and has a hateful aversion to an entire group of people merely because they are different in a way he dislikes and/or does not understand. In that case, it might be worth reconsidering your friendship. Life is too short to have toxic friends who are constantly trying to find the error in your ways. However, if they are homophobic but are willing to understand and change their mindset, you may be able to remain friends with patience and time.
People are entitled to their own opinions and their likes and dislikes. They can disagree on shows, food, music, but discrimination based on sexuality, gender, race, or anything similar is not and will never be ok. All human beings deserve to be accepted for who they are. But know that for every person who does not understand and accept you, there are many more people around the world who will support you and love you if you find them.
It could not have been easy for you to listen to him, undermining a major part of you for an hour. How are you doing? I hope you take some time for self-care today. You truly deserve it. Exercise, listen to some music, dance, do something that will help you relax. Here is a list of things you can try:
https://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/JournalPages/99-Coping-Skills-Poster.pdf
Here are some other resources that might help:
https://www.gaystarnews.com/article/former-homophobes-reveal-made-change-views/
https://www.theguardian.com/education/2014/may/29/coming-out-sixth-form-homophobe
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ -The Trevor Project has a platform called TrevorSpace (https://www.trevorspace.org/?utm_source=trevor_website&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=nav_bar) where you can talk to other people in the LGBTQ+ community.
Having a support system or at least someone to talk to is important, and this platform will help you find people who can sincerely understand the struggles you are currently facing.
-Crisis Text Line can be reached by texting ‘Home’ to 741-741.
Wishing you all the best and sending lots of hugs,
Manisha