Hi! So my gf and I broke up in September, and I won't lie I haven't been doing great since, my mental health has suffered A LOT.
It's taken me a long time to feel like it's possible for me to live my life without her, but I feel like I'm finally getting there, even if I'm not quite over it yet. So I guess my first question is just do you have any advice for getting over an ex?
There's another girl that I think I might like, but tbh I don't really know. I think perhaps I like her it just doesn't feel like much compared to how much I felt for my ex?? Also I'm on the aroace spectrum so I experience attraction differently to a lot of people anyway. I definitely think about this girl a lot, but I don't know whether that's just because it's easier to think about someone who isn't my ex and it happened to be her. I just don't know how I feel.
But I know I'm touch starved and I miss being in a relationship, and I'm not doing the greatest mentally, though I'm definitely a lot better than where I was a few months ago.
I'm thinking about asking this girl out on a date, getting to know her better and seeing how I feel, and then maybe thinking about something more serious when I'm more certain of how i feel. Honestly she'll probably say no anyway so it doesn't even matter.
If I figured out that I didn't feel attracted to her but I still wanted to be with her anyway because I wanted a relationship would that be bad?? I don't really know what to do and I just feel like I'm being selfish and also I'm just really scared of what my future looks like. For a long time I didn't even think I'd have a future.
So please any advice would be very appreciated.
Thank you so much <3
Hey there,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I am sorry to hear about the breakup with your girlfriend. Here are some general tips on how to navigate a breakup: https://headspace.org.au/explore-topics/for-young-people/relationship-breakup/.
Breakups are always difficult to navigate, especially for people on the aroace spectrum. The level of attachment you develop in relationships is often intense, but these feelings will lessen with time, and you will eventually find a mental place where you’re comfortable again.
You may benefit from exercise. It doesn’t have to be anything intense; for example, a short walk could help lessen your intense negative emotions. If walking is challenging, try moving your body in a way you enjoy. The idea is to get your blood flowing.
Here is some additional information on the benefits of exercise: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/depression-and-exercise/art-20046495.
You mentioned that you were thinking about asking a new girl out, which can be a fantastic way to move on from your previous relationship. You seem to think that she will say no, but try to be confident and keep an open mind about the idea. You will never know until you ask, so try to focus on what could go right instead of what can go wrong.
Beginning a new relationship can seem daunting, especially when you are on the aroace spectrum, but spending more time with her may help minimize your fears. If it makes you feel more comfortable, you could spend time with her as friends before formally asking her on a date; it’s often easier for aroace people to develop a friendship with someone prior to dating them. It’s also normal to go on a few dates before declaring a relationship, and it’s okay to be unsure at first.
Here is some additional information on dating while aromantic that you may find interesting: https://acesandaros.org/learn/romantic-relationships.
It is also important to keep her feelings in mind as you navigate this situation. If you begin dating and you sense that you are not attracted to her, be honest with your feelings. Maintaining open communication is vital to all relationships, and it would be unfair to stay in the relationship if you did not have feelings for her.
You should also try to lean on your friends and family. Spending time with them can help you feel centered, and talking to them about the breakup may help you navigate your feelings. You are grieving, so try to be patient with yourself. Give yourself as much time as you need to heal, and try to do things you enjoy to keep your mind occupied.
Thank you again for reaching out to Asking Jude! I hope that some of this information was helpful, and please do not hesitate to reach out again.
Hang in there,
Andrea
Hi, @soph liz! Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude! I'm sorry you're going through such a complicated situation. One of our peer counsellors, Andrea, will reach out to you in the next few days.