So, the backstory is quite extensive. My 'family' right now consists of an 80+ grandmother, my 58 disabled mother, and a brother in his 30s but also disabled and mentally ill who lives in a group home. My mom has been abused a lot, both by my father and step father. And I feel she is quite codependent emotionally. She's fragile, in other words. She is also physically disabled with quite a few serious health problems.
You can say I'm the matriarch of the family (35, btw). And I'm facing some issues that I really don't know who to turn to. My mom amd grandma live together, and bless my granny's heart, but she's in her 80s and can't keep helping my mom like she does. I used to live with my mom until 2 years ago and it was... exhausting. I can't do that again. Hell, I still end up at theor home most days of the week to help out and I've already verging on burn out.
And I hate it. I hate how I can't control my moodswings because I love my mom, but she's so tiring. I'm empathetic to the fact she is lonely and needs a friend, but I get so frustrated when she wants me to spend all my free time with her.
Like, right now she's in the hospital, and I was there for most of the day with her other than 3 hours for work. And yet when I went to leave close to 7pm, she cries and tells me she needs me to stay. That I need to help her and be her advocate. And for years I would, when I was younger and sleeping on the couch was no big deal. But I can't sleep there and turn around and go to work.
And I admit, part of me is angry because when I was a child, and even now, I have never felt like I could cry and ask for help from her or anyone. Growing up, I had to be the bigger person because of my brother. He needed the attention because he was mentally ill and I was the self sufficient one. The one the adults could rely on.
Sorry about the rant, but it culminates to this question. How do I deal with this? Am I the asshole and need to be more sympathetic? How do I guarantee my grandma's health and safety? I know my mom will be in a rehab facility for a while, but after that I am worried it will fall back into the same pattern? Am I a bitch for being caught between love and hate for my mom? How do I handle all this stress on my shoulders? I know running away isn't a viable option but damn does it seem appealing.
I don't have anyone to ask for help. I just need advice on how to handle this situation.
Hi there,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. It sounds like you have a disproportionate amount of stress and responsibility on your shoulders. It is completely understandable that you would be frustrated with your mother, and you are not in the wrong for having such strong feelings. You can simultaneously love and hate your mother; familial relationships are never consistently perfect, and many people struggle with similar situations. You can want to help her while still feeling resentful about the lack of help you received as a child.
In regards to your grandmother, it is her responsibility to set boundaries in her relationship with your mother, just like it is your responsibility to set boundaries for the time you can spend at their house. Even though you cannot control what your grandmother does, you can try to talk to her about your concerns. She will likely be open to hearing what you have to say.
Try to also implement a schedule for self-care. This could include setting aside time every week for any activity or hobby that brings you joy, such as drawing, listening to music, going on a walk, etc. Everyone needs time to themselves, and you may feel guilty at first, especially if this is a new experience for you. There may also be some backlash from your family because your mother is accustomed to you being at her beck-and-call. Try to keep reminding yourself that you are doing the right thing, and that boundaries are important for the maintenance of all healthy relationships.
Here are some tips on setting healthy boundaries: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm.
Try to come to a compromise with your mother, and consider starting small with the boundaries at first. For example, try suggesting that you leave an hour earlier each day than you have been leaving. After a week or two of this new schedule, try to take one whole day off during the week. Continue restricting the time you spend at their house until you feel a healthy and comfortable balance. If the time you spend there is still taking a toll on your mental health, try to reduce it further.
Also, here is some information on codependency that you may find helpful: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/codependency.htm.
Thank you again for reaching out to Asking Jude. I hope that some of this information was helpful, and please do not hesitate to reach out again.
Good luck,
Andrea
Hi there, Betty! One of our senior peer counsellors, Andrea, will be answering you shortly. Thank you so much for your patience. Until then, stay strong!