I‘m not entirely sure why but something about him doesn’t sit right with me and I don’t know how to tell my friend. From the things I’ve heard from her he sounds kinda creepy. Recently she mentioned her stepdad asked why she didn’t wear lingerie or skirts, and also asked if I wore skirts, and that I would look good in one. I don’t know but this doesn’t seem like the right kind of comment to make. My friend and I are both in our 20s and I know that he wouldn’t do anything inappropriate to her but still. I don’t like hanging out with her family when he is around and would rather avoid him if possible. My friend has him on a pedestal and I think she would be offended if I told her that I dont feel comfortable around her stepdad. What is the best way to discuss this with her?
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Thank you for the work that you, Andrea. I hope everything works out for the best for everyone concerned in this particular 'ask.'
Hi there,
This sounds like a tough situation, and I’m sorry you are struggling with this. It is hard to know what the right thing for yourself is, when the right thing could potentially hurt someone you love. It is important that you feel safe, so speaking to your friend about this issue is my biggest recommendation. I know that speaking to someone about a sensitive subject can be hard, and timing matters, so be sure to speak to your friend about this when you both have time to talk (without having to rush and do other things). Set aside some free time. It is also important to make sure you are both in the right frame of mind for this conversation—if you or your friend are angry about something else, it is not the best time. Here are some tips that you may find helpful on having difficult conversations with a friend: https://www.understood.org/articles/en/9-tips-for-having-difficult-conversations-with-your-partner.
It is important to consider that your friend may not understand where you are coming from. They may be upset, but that is okay. This does not mean that you are wrong for feeling the way that you feel. It may be wise to take a step back from family events that involve your friend’s stepfather. I know that this is easier said than done—you may feel like you are missing out on things, but remember why you started this in the first place. Here are some tips on setting and enforcing boundaries that I think will help you out with this: https://www.npr.org/2021/01/25/960423678/how-to-set-boundaries-with-family-and-stick-to-them.
Lastly, you may want to talk to your friend’s stepfather about his behavior. You don’t have to go into details about “why” you feel the way you feel, but if you feel comfortable, let him know when something is inappropriate for you. It is important that you enforce these boundaries with him, as well. Remember, you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone—not your friend, and not even her stepfather. If you feel uncomfortable with something, that should be enough for them. If they respect you, they will give you the space you need for your boundaries. If not, then it is best to fall back from situations that make you feel off. Trust your intuition! Here are some tips on what to do if your boundaries are not being respected: https://inlpcenter.org/how-to-deal-with-someone-who-doesnt-respect-personal-boundaries/.
Stay safe!
Andrea
Hi there! This is Jude. Our peer counsellor, Andrea, will be answering you shortly. Thank you for stopping by Asking Jude.