Hi there,

I’m sorry that you are going through so much with this other person. It is always hard when there are issues in friend groups or drama because of relationships, but this situation certainly escalated beyond the normal expectation of a situation like this. It sounds like this girl has established a pretty significant pattern of negative behaviors and poor treatment of others throughout your history with her.

If you are still in college or in a setting where some action can be taken against her for what she is doing to you, I would recommend seeking out that option. Many colleges have ways to file harassment claims against other students and this situation goes above and beyond those standards. Some institutions allow students to take out no contact orders against others, and this could be helpful to stop her from harassing you in this way. If you are no longer in college, you could do something very similar by going to the police and getting a restraining order. It is also understandable why you may not want to pursue this route if it is available to you. In that case, gaining the support of those around you could be helpful. You can report her Youtube videos and channel for “Hateful or Abusive Content” and have others that support you do the same so that Youtube will look into her channel and can potentially remove it. You can also block her and her friends if they continue to message you or she continues to use them in ways that you aren’t comfortable with.

Have you spoken to your mutual friends about this situation in private? You mentioned that she has been telling them negative things about you. They could be allies in this situation if they are aware of the extent of what is going on. They may be able to offer you and your boyfriend some support and they may be able to speak to her or confront her about her behavior. Your parents may also prove to be very helpful and may understand other things you can do to stop the further escalation of this situation.

With the way that she is broadcasting her negativity, this girl does sound as though she is doing much of this for the attention of it. She is using others to make sure that you see it and taking advantage of social circles. Creating a Youtube channel almost illustrates a need to make this situation move as far as possible beyond a regular conflict. It is entirely up to you if you decide to confront her. If you do choose to, you should do so in private and in a way that is more personal, as she is trying to go very public about this. If you get her in private, the conversation may even turn out to be productive in some ways.

This conversation will be incredibly difficult to have. Remember to do some self-reflection beforehand. Think about what you want to say to her. Think about what your goals are here. Do you want to understand why she is doing this? Do you want her to stop? Do you want her to apologize? Here are some resources to help you prepare:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/some-assembly-required/201703/how-have-difficult-conversations

https://www.heysigmund.com/how-to-have-a-difficult-talk/

https://mytherapynyc.com/have-difficult-conversation-with-loved-one/

Here are some resources to help you explain how you are hurt in this situation:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-gen-y-psy/201903/how-do-i-tell-someone-theyve-hurt-my-feelings

https://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/relationships/how-to-tell-someone-they-hurt-you

https://www.rickhanson.net/stay-right-when-youre-wronged/

Remember to use “I” statements. This can help keep the conversation from escalating. Here are some tips on using “I” statements:

https://compassioncoach.com/blog/when-use-i-statements#:~:text=Use%20an%20%22I%22%20statement%20when,be%20simple%20and%20%22CLEAR%22.

https://www.tonyrobbins.com/love-relationships/words-matter-you-vs-i/

https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/i-statements

I hope that she stops this behavior soon and that you are able to get some much needed space from her.

Best wishes,

Mikaela