I live in a relationship with my best friend now almost 7 months. I had a long relationship before him for 3 years and I cheated my bf in this relationship with my best friend. My last bf was really toxic, there was mental abuse and once also physical abuse too. I don’t love him, just imagine something that wasn’t real. My best friend always there for me in this bad relationship and support me. After we start our relationship he became insecure about our relationship and about my honesty. He can’t believe that I have “normal behaviour” in a relationship, he thinks I will cheat him too.. what can I do? I do everything to make him comfortable in this relationship and he know me for 8 years, he should know that I’m not that type of person... I‘m really scared he will take my love for granted. I think I’m in love, but I got a lot of pain in this 7 months, and I try to be patient with him, but I need comfort too...
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I think what’s happening here is your new boyfriend is questioning everything now that the dust has settled. He feels that this was not a good idea and he’s worried history is going to repeat itself. There is the conventional wisdom that if they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you. Someone has probably said this to your boyfriend or he has thought of it recently, and it’s giving him pause.
I admit that the timing is pretty bad-looking; I also understand you left a toxic relationship. I think your boyfriend regrets the timing now and he’s seeking reassurance from you. This is not a good thing because this all-too-easily creates a toxic dynamic where you are always at the mercy of his insecurities. You are always trying to prove yourself to him and he’s always going to find flaws.
He has to understand that he had every right to not start dating you while you were with someone else. In other words, he did not have to go along with things; he could have said no. I guess he did not realize that he would regret this until later on. If you two had feelings for each other, it would have been ideal to break up with the toxic boyfriend before dating him, but I know that things don’t always work out that neatly. Even just confessing your feelings towards each other and then doing the breakup would have been fine in my book. However, it’s too late to do the whole could’ve/would’ve/should’ve; it’s time to focus on the present and the future.
I say you have two options here:
-You two break up and you recover from the toxic relationship on your own time. I suggest individual therapy to ensure you unlearn any unhealthy behaviors you may have picked up from the toxic relationship. If you want to start a new relationship, you don’t have to worry about the timing.
OR
-You two stay together on the condition that you both at least seek out couple’s therapy. You boyfriend may need a professional third party to help him with his insecurities, and you can use this as a chance to ensure you leave behind any unhealthy behaviors you may have picked up in the previous relationship. It’s a way to help yourself heal and for both of you to build a stronger foundation.
If you want some ideas of what to expect out of couples therapy and some ways to make the most of it, here are a couple of articles:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201601/what-you-can-really-expect-couples-therapy
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/everything-you-need-to-know-about-couples-therapy/
Overall, I don’t want to judge you or your boyfriend for everything; I’m sure you’re dealing with that enough already. Just understand that now is when you and boyfriend make choices that will shape your futures; are you both invested enough in moving forward together? Couples therapy will also reveal this: if only one of you is invested enough, then the relationship cannot progress.
Happy holidays! Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile