I met D 3,5 years ago, while I was with my first boyfriend. We started talking a lot, but we were just messaging online bacause he was studying abroad (while I was still with my first boyfriend). Nothing happened between us, but I broke up with my boyfriend 1 year after I met D, and we were able to meet up a month later, and we hooked up, talked it out, and started dating. It was very long distance, but we managed to meet a couple of times in a few months. Then my mental health started to get bad, and the distance was hard, and I got a stupid crush on one of my friends, and I decided to break up with D. I was fine, focusing on myself, and in the last 2 years I dated a little here and there, but a few months ago I started thinking about D again. I thought I was just lonely or nostalgic, but it didn't stop. I messaged him a couple of weeks ago, just wanted to know how he was, to hear from him. We've been messaging a little since then, just about our days sometimes, or sending memes. He's had a girlfriend for a long time now, but from what I understood it's not a good relationship, and he talks about other girls, too (quite a lot, actually, for some reason) (just crushes and stuff). Anyway. I don't want to break up his relationship or anything, he deserves his life and it's not really my place since I gave him up. But I can't stop thinking about him, about what we had and how I didn't have anything close to it with anyone else I've been with. I miss him, I miss what we had, and I don't know if I should stop talking to him and work on moving on. It feels stupid, being sad over a break up I initiated 2 years ago. I don't think pursuing him is an option, like, I was the one who gave him up, and he's moved on, obviously. Idk. I don't want to tell him any of this, because it doesn't seem fair to bring him back into it after he made a life for himself without me, but I miss him so much now.
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Thank you so much for reaching out to Asking Jude! I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult situation. Relationships of all kinds can be hard and all of your feelings are completely normal. You mentioned you’ve experienced some mental health troubles, so if you feel it would be helpful to talk to someone about this situation or anything else, reach out to jude@askingjude.org about receiving in-person and/or virtual peer counselling with one of our members.
I would recommend first taking some time to reflect on your emotions before discussing your feelings with D. Sometimes, taking a step back from the situation and giving it a bit of time can help you understand exactly what you’re feeling. In this time, I would recommend journaling, a fun activity that can help you work through your emotions. Here is a link on journaling on some of the benefits of journaling: https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentID=4552&ContentTypeID=1. You can also discuss the situation with trusted friends and family.
Missing an ex is completely normal, and your feelings are 100% valid! If, after some time and reflecting, you are still having these feelings, I would recommend reaching out to D. You can let him know how you are feeling and hopefully gain some insight to his thoughts on everything. Communication can help you determine what type of relationship is best for both of you. Here is an article that provides some information on how to communicate your feelings to others:
https://www.psychcompany.com/2019/productively-communicating-your-feelings/.
I’m sure this situation is stressful, so I definitely recommend prioritizing time for self-care and doing things that make you happy! Whether it’s drawing, playing an instrument, or going on a bike ride, I think doing things you love can help you stay positive.
I really hope all of this information is helpful, and I am so glad you came to us for help. Please don’t hesitate to reach out again--whenever needed. We are here for you!
Love,
Jordan Sadan