I've been in a relationship for nearly a year now. Thing is I don't share photos with me and my partner together on any of my social media. I've been in a lot of failed relationships where you show them off to the world and then they break your heart and you feel silly after showing them off to everyone, as well as I have friends on my social media who are very judgemental and mean spirited when it comes to my partner as we went to the same school together in our younger years. I am not ashamed of my partner, I love them, all our close friends know and hang out with us, my family knows and I have no problem introducing him to new people or more family. I go out with him everywhere, go on holidays etc and I don't really care if other people see me and him interacting on posts on social media etc. But I have become very protective and private when it comes to my relationships, I feel like peoples judgment and jealously can ruin good things when you put them out there so I rather keep them to myself. Why does everyone from high school who I haven't seen in years now need to know who I'm dating? Sometimes it makes my partner feel like I'm hiding him and that makes me feel awful as that's not really my intentions, its more about protection? And who knows maybe one day as the relationship becomes more serious I will share it on things like social media, but for now I'm still pretty timid and nervous about doing that. Is it wrong that I do this? Am I being a bad partner?
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Hi there,
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude for advice. To answer your last question, no, you are certainly not a bad partner for not wanting to show your relationship on social media.
At the end of the day, posting a photo with someone is simply just posting a photo with someone. It does not define how close the two of you are, how much you love the person, or how healthy the relationship is. Like you said, some couples who are very public with their relationship online are actually in unhealthy relationships, in the same way that a couple can have the strongest relationship but never post each other online. Social media is inherently superficial, and if you do not want to put your relationship out there for the world to see, that is completely your decision.
I do think it is important to let your partner know the reason behind you not posting them, especially if they feel like they are being “hidden” or not appreciated. Explaining that you like to keep the things that mean the most to you private and away from the fakeness of social media may make him feel a lot better, and diminishes the possibility of a misunderstanding. However, if you find yourself really wanting to post photos of the two of you together and the only reason for not doing so is being afraid of people making mean or judgemental comments, this may be a bit of a problem. Your social media should be filled with whatever you want to post, and if you feel like certain followers are holding you back from that, why not delete them from your followers list or block them from seeing your posts? The great thing about social media is that it is so easy to remove unwanted viewers, and if removing these people makes you comfortable with posting what you want, that may be a great decision. If you are just a bit nervous about becoming “instagram official”, or showing people you are in a serious relationship just because it is a big step, then perhaps you can ease into it by posting an instagram story first instead of a whole post? In the end, though, this is your life and your page to do whatever you want with it. As long as nobody is getting hurt, you have every right to post or not post your partner on your social media.
Here are a few resources that may help:
Why I Don’t Share Relationships Online: https://www.thecut.com/2018/05/its-complicated-why-i-dont-share-my-relationships-online.html
Relationships on Social Media: https://www.inc.com/john-rampton/8-reasons-why-happy-couples-rarely-share-their-relationship-statuses-on-social-m.html
Online Relationship Privacy: https://madamenoire.com/1096821/why-im-private-about-my-relationship-on-social-media/
Take care,
Jordan
I'm addressing this to 'no name.' I don't think you're wrong to feel the way you do. I spend very little time at social media sites these days. I used to spend way too much time, some five-six-seven years ago. I had to learn the hard way -- which is how I usually learn. Get it? I would make sure your partner knows your thinking on the subject. Good luck to the two of you...