hello jude :) i came across your lovely page recently and i'm so happy i did because there's been something weighing me down that i haven't been able to resolve. i used to have a good friend with whom things happened, feelings got involved and the results were messy. however, when i tried patching things up i would always feel as though they were being nice out of obligation. they were shady too. is it wrong of me to miss the friendship? should i reach out? please help me :(
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Hey there,
It is never wrong to miss a friend or a loved one in any circumstance, and I think that it's great that you want to fix your friendship. Before you make any negative assumptions about your friend, understand that it is most likely very awkward for him/her. Perhaps your friend is acting this certain way as you've described because that's the only way he/she feels is the most appropriate way to act in the situation. Here are some tips that you can use when you reach out to your friend:
1. Be honest. Since you're already at a rough spot with your friend, you might as well just express your feelings for this person and this friendship. Talk about how much value this friendship means to you and want to continue having him/her in your life. If you or your friend have any romantic feelings developed throughout this friendship that needs to be addressed, then say it. Perhaps your friend will say something that you didn't know before that may have led to some miscommunication that ended your friendship. Remember that it is extremely difficult to recover from a fall out with your friend if you are not completely honest about your thoughts and feelings.
2. Don't be afraid. One major issue that keeps people from reaching out to someone is the fear of rejection. We come up with "What If" scenarios and end up talking ourselves out of calling that person at all. Note that rejection is a part of life, and if your friend doesn't want to be in your life anymore, then that person does not deserve to be in your life. Remember that this is just one person, and you should not waste your time crying over someone if they reject you.
3. Loosen your expectations. A great strategy to not be afraid of rejection is to loosen your expectations when you reach out to your friend. Maybe things will go back to normal or not. Perhaps the two of you have a great conversation and end the friendship on a good note. There are so many outcomes to your discussion, and it's best to remember to stay calm and not expect anything to come out of it.
4. Don't stress over lost friendships. Understand that people come and go all the time. The people who stay in your life should be the people you have grown to love and care for and love and care for you. If the people in your life are not willing to put in as much effort into maintaining their friendship/relationship with you, it is best not to keep in touch with them. Remember that you deserve to have your feelings valued.
I really hope that my advice helps and I wish you the best of luck when you talk to your friend! Here are some articles that you can read in the meantime:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202005/reaching-out-old-flames-and-former-friends
https://hellogiggles.com/lifestyle/reconnect-with-friend-after-falling-out/
https://www.succeedsocially.com/friendsneverinitiatecontact
https://www.bustle.com/articles/40964-15-types-of-friends-you-should-get-rid-of-immediately
https://www.vitalsmarts.com/crucialskills/2012/08/when-others-refuse-to-communicate/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-resilient-life/201508/4-types-friends-you-need-in-your-life
Best,
Jennie