To get straight to the point, she isn't 'my kinda friend' and I just became friends with her coz she was very nice to me but my main purpose was to get the attention of another lady (whom I was having a girl crush on). And now that I'm close to that lady, I kinda feel like I'm getting annoyed at some of my friend's behavior like always trying to please her boss, doing even more than what is required of her at work, calling me her "best friend" even though she's not my type of 'best friend'. I feel tied now that she uses that title on me and it's my fault that I just became friends with her coz I had an ulterior motive and I feel so terrible. But now that I have a deep connection with that other person, I'm kinda having this feeling like I want to distance myself from 'my friend'. But at the same time, I owe her all the time she's spent on imagining me as her best friend. I'm in a pickle and I don't know what to do.
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Good luck to Leila J and thank you, Angelica, for the work that you do...
I think you learned a valuable lesson about honesty and friendship. Never use people as a means to an end like that; people are not stepping stones on the path to other relationships. Now, you have to decide whether or not to tell the truth. Let’s think about the possible outcomes here.
If you tell this friend the truth, do you think it’ll make its way back to your crush? It wouldn’t surprise me if it did; your crush may decide they no longer want to associate themselves with you. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who only feigned friendship to get close to you? However, it’s not guaranteed that your crush will reject you; they may appreciate your honesty and may give you a chance.
Telling your friend the truth will crush her because she’ll feel used (understandably). But in a way, she deserves to know because she shouldn’t spend her time with someone who doesn’t really like or appreciate her. But how would you go about telling her that? There’s no nice way to do it because her feelings will be hurt no matter what. It may not even be the first time this has happened to her, and she may feel like this is a case of what is called “The Ugly Friend.”
This is what happens when a person (usually a woman or a girl) feels like her beauty never quite matches up to her that of her friend or friends, and subsequently feels pretty terrible about herself. This woman is usually ignored by men, or men only talk to her to get close to her “prettier” friends. It wouldn’t surprise me if your friend is feeling this way already; this tends to happen more to teens and young adults, but it continues throughout life, too.
These links explain this phenomenon rather well:
It’s not to make you feel guilty; it’s to get you to understand the impact that feigning friendship can have on a person.
That being said, you can make a genuine effort to be kind to her and get to know her some more. You know, this time really try to be a better friend to her. You don’t have to be best friends, but at least be genuine in your interactions with her. This can start a really great (genuine) friendship or at least give you a chance to make up for all the times you were fake with her.
If you don’t want to be friends, you can slowly pull back bit by bit so you don’t have to hang out with her as often if you don’t want to. I know it sounds contradictory, but it’s because you’re caught between doing the right thing and doing the kind thing. It’s not always easy to do either of them; you have to decide which is more important to you.
Hi, Leila! Angelica, a team member who has helped you before, will be answering your submission soon. Please, stay strong!