Too clarify, me and my partner(non-binary) have been together for over a year now and they have a close group of friends that they want me to get to know and get along with. But any sort of communication that happens is on my end and usually it ends with me being left on read. This has been going on for about the same amount of time I’ve been with my partner and it’s gotten exhausting and has lowered my self-esteem. It also feels like my partner looks at their friends as angels while if I get upset about being ignored it’s me just being jealous or that their friends are busy but if on the special occasion Im not up to contuining a conversation then I’m encouraged by my partner to try while it feels and seems like my partner doesn’t push their friends to be friendly with me. A recent incident that happened is that I messaged one of their closest friends wishing her good luck on her finals and congratulating her on her upcoming graduation and got nothing in return and I’ve been thinking about it a lot. and just wanted some advice on if I should message her again and just ask about it and what I should do about the whole situation in general.
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It sounds like you feel like an outsider amongst these friends. It’s definitely exhausting being the communicator or even just the facilitator; it’s draining when you consistently put in more effort and others don’t really reciprocate as often as they should. Imbalanced friendships tend to feel exceptionally draining because they make you realize that you’re not receiving the support and care that you should be; friendships are all about give and take, after all. Friends respect and support each other.
I have some articles that talk about how to identify imbalanced friendships and how to address them:
https://www.healthline.com/health/beware-the-one-sided-friendship#signs-of-imbalance
https://www.bustle.com/p/is-my-friendship-unbalanced-9-signs-your-friendship-is-one-sided-according-to-experts-2418018
https://www.liveabout.com/one-sided-friends-1385674
I noticed that you pointed out that your partner is non-binary; are their friends also the same way or otherwise part of the LGBTQ+ community? If they are, but you are not, or you are just in a different part of the community, they might just be struggling to relate to you. Not all of the letters in the acronym get along, unfortunately.
It sounds like your partner has less trouble empathizing with their group than they do with you; they should be extending you that same empathy. In other words, it seems like they aren’t really listening to you or hearing you out about your concerns with the group. They could very well be trying to force connections that aren’t really there; they might be rushing trying to integrate you into the friend group without taking the existing dynamic into consideration. No relationship of any sort can be rushed or forced.
I highly suggest hashing it out with your partner and make it 100% clear that you feel like an outsider and like these friendships are too one-sided. They need to know this so that they can properly support you and manage their friendships on their own. It’s hard to not question whether or not you fit in or how the others feel about you. I feel the best-case scenario is they don’t realize that they aren’t being very welcoming towards you; the worst-case scenario is that the group is trying to passively-aggressively tell both you and your partner that they don’t want you in the group.
If you don’t feel comfortable addressing the people in the group (separately, not all at once), your partner may need to communicate with their friends and get some answers about this. The article below will help you have these conversations with your partner and possibly with the group:
https://www.healthline.com/health/communication-techniques
It’s important to remember that it’s okay to have friends outside your SO. You two don’t have to share all friends; it’s okay if only some of your social circles overlap. It might be a good time to start building a friend circle of your own. This doesn’t mean you have to give up being friends with these folks; it will just means that you’ll have more friends!
Feel free to reach back out if you have any other questions.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile