Feeling guilty...

Question

Hello, I have no idea if this will make sense because I have a hard time conveying my feelings, but I'm going to try my best. My significant other follows 3 of his exes on Instagram. When I found out, it did make me insecure and my anxiety went crazy. But over time, I was able to manage it and make peace with 2 of them since they've been friends for a long time. However, with the 3rd ex, I would randomly get anxious and insecure from time to time. I think this is because she was his most recent ex and the one he lost his virginity to. Anyway, it got to the point where I felt like I needed to talk to him about this again because it really sucks to go from being okay to randomly having these insecurities pop up. He offered to unfollow her and I told him that wasn't necessary because I really didn't want to come off as controlling/pushing him to do something. He told me he really didn't care because he only knew her for 3 months anyway then he ended up unfollowing her. Although I appreciate him coming up with a solution, I can't help but feel incredibly guilty and upset with myself. I expressed to him how I feel like I should've been able to deal with my insecurities alone and if not, then maybe we weren't a match. But he told me he honestly didn't care and he knows where to draw the line (like he wouldn't have offered to unfollow his other 2 exes since they're good friends). That made me feel a little better because I know I didn't demand/force him to do anything, but I still feel like crap because I couldn't get a handle on my anxiety and insecurity.

Jude · Accepted Answer

Hi friend,Thank you for coming to Asking Jude for advice. I’m sorry to hear about the stress and anxiety you felt from your boyfriend following three of his exes on Instagram. Feeling insecure from this is completely common. Not many people enjoy having their significant other face constant reminders of their past relationships. However, I want to reassure you that you handled this situation maturely. Although you were initially very upset about this news, you communicated these concerns to your partner. You also took time to make peace with the situation. I encourage you to recognize that these are healthy habits to practice in a relationship. I also want you to be easy on yourself for still feeling insecure from time to time. Coping with insecurity in a relationship can be a long and challenging commitment. Therefore, acknowledge that you are trying and that this process will not happen overnight. I also want to remind you that it is okay to ask for support from your significant other. Of course, dealing with insecurity will mainly require your effort. You can, however, tell yourself that it is okay to ask for extra help from time to time. Just make sure that this communication is healthy (https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201508/4-major-relationship-communication-mistakes-ruin-love%3famp). Here is a link that may help you build your self-esteem within your relationship: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-it-together/201801/building-self-esteem-and-improving-relationships?ampRemind yourself that your boyfriend chose (and continues to choose) to be with you. I am sure that he has demonstrated through his actions and his words that he cares about you. Thus, try not to let the thought of his exes bother you too much. His past relationships ended for a reason, so focus on your present and future with him. I also recommend you check out this link about how to deal with relationship insecurity: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201609/four-ways-stop-feeling-insecure-in-your-relationships%3fampWishing you the best in your relationship,Helen

Helen Alvarez · Answer

@Anon Always happy to help! <3

Anon · Answer

Thank you so much, I appreciate your advice!

Jude · Answer

Hey there, Anon! It's nice to hear from you again. I sent your submission to Helen!