I was dating this guy for a long time, and we broke up because I couldn't trust him and I was very unhappy. He had done a lot of bad things and even told me he didn't take me seriously for years. Constantly bombarded me with messages, pressured me into saying yes for things I didn't want, wouldn't give me any space, brought up personal things in arguements and even called me worthless, cheated on me etc etc.
I stopped speaking to him for a while but recently he contacted me and seemed sorry and he said it would be ok we were just friends so I thought it would be ok to talk seeing as he wanted it too. But it just starts again, jealousy, controlling, he gets upset because we are not together even though I thought he was fine with it? I have told him I cannot trust him and I don't want a relationship right now as I am dealing with a lot of different things, I lost someone very close to me (my parent), I don't talk to the other parent either, I am in my last year of university, I have also got a part time job for christmas and I am dealing with anxiety a lot around that.
However I can tell when he is upset or angry but instead of telling me he just acts so passive aggressive. He will get very blunt, he will ignore me or act like I have done something wrong? Which I don't know what I have done this time but I think it is because I will not get back with him.
Does anyone know what I can do about it? I don't want to upset him but I also do not want to feel like I have to get back with him, when it is something I keep trying to tell him
Thank you so much for coming to Asking Jude for advice. Firstly, I’d like to say I am so sorry for your loss and that you have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately. It sounds like there is a lot on your plate, and a disrespectful ex is the last thing you deserve to deal with.
This being said, I hope that you realize that learning how to deal with him and his passive aggressiveness is a choice. You absolutely have every right to choose to not put up with him, to block his number, and to move on without his negativity. Personally, this is what I would do in this situation. With all do respect, he sounds terribly manipulative and immature. Especially in your situation, when you are dealing with a lot right now that is out of your control, it is important to know that the negativity and hostility he brings into your life are things that CAN be controlled by you not giving him the time of day.
From what you’ve told me, your ex sounds a bit more aggressive than passive-aggressive. It takes a pretty aggressive and intentionally hurtful person to tell you you’re worth nothing and force you to do things you don’t want to do. Of course, everyone can change and grow, but you gave him a second chance as a friend. Then, he disappointed you and hurt you once again. As sad as it is, it takes some people a very long time to change and grow into a better person. Perhaps he thought he had changed and would treat you better because he misses you, but just because someone is sad and misses you unfortunately doesn’t mean they’ll treat you right. It’s a very hard pill to swallow, but it’s the truth.
If you are persistent about wanting to give him a third chance, you need to express clear boundaries with him. I would highly recommend writing a strongly worded message to him that if he wants to be in your life, he needs to treat you with respect, bar none. Write out the ways he is manipulative and disrespectful, and how you need to be treated instead. If he truly wants to be in your life and change, he will make the strongest of efforts to change his actions. However, from my point of view, it sounds like he is not worthy of being in your life. It’s difficult when you have an emotional soft spot for someone, I know, but thinking about things in perspective really helps with decision making. For example, ask yourself if you’d advise a friend in this exact situation to give him another chance. Chances are, you would tell them “no.” You would tell them to move on and to not let toxic people back into their life just because that toxic person saw them doing better without them (and came back to bring them down).
I hope this helps. Remember, you’re mental health and wellbeing should always come top priority in your life. I understand so deeply how hard it is to not give someone another chance or to even pity them and want to help them grow, but you don’t deserve the emotional hardship that it would take to change this guy. Here are some resources that may help you:
The Real Reason Your Toxic Ex Keeps Crawling Back:
Cutting an Ex Out of Your Life:
Protecting Your Peace: