I feel like it dont have an actual relationship with my parents and they dont even realize. I NEVER tell them anything personal, its a thing since i was teenager. They have always had all my passwords etc and ive always been terrified theyll find out info about me that i dont want them to have. Im constantly afraid theyll disapprov or be angry whatever I do. the few times i do say something I have always consciously thought at some point "I'm not telling them this". And i think they think were a close knit loving family. which we are, because i love them and we have wonderful moments, but there is just so much going on with them...over all they micromanage everything, has all my passwords, always monitored everything. ive actually been terrified to even so much as buy something online for my own money in the past because I feel like i need permission from them. which also makes me be more sneaky than neccesary sometimes.
As for my dad: he drives me nuts. hes always passive agressive, condescending, and annoying. not just but my mum too. if we ever speak up hes the one whose right. and Ive been terrified since i was little. hes 1.93m and 100kg+ and i know his big stature and hot temper (you do not want to be caught lying!) has scared some of my friends growing up too. and he got a big teddy bear inner but hes also so tough and quick to criticise and at this point im overly snappy sometimes because o hear him criticising before he speak.
my mum: Shes super nervous and emotinally volitile. probably has anxiety issues herself, but mental health has never been a subject in our perfect home. my grandma was just the same, based on what ive heared. she is the one who is home with us kids (I'm 21 and my brother is 18, but were still living at home) and always has been, because my dad is the breadwinner and I just...i feel like she comes with so much unwelcome advice. everything you say has a story and a solution on the other end. I cannot just be with my emotions, and i can't be emotional either - even when im acting justmlike she does. but her everyone should pity and look out for and take care of.
how the hell can i have a relationship with my parents? I love them but I'd rather tell anyone but my parents about my life. even just if im dating someone. I'm so emotionally exhausted with these people and our relationship.
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude for advice. I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling to connect with your parents. It sounds like their personalities have clashed with yours quite frequently, and that has left the three of you in an awkward position. Although the process of growing closer to them may feel uncomfortable at first, it is very much possible to strengthen the bond between you and your mother and father. Keep in mind that in order for this process to work well, it requires time and effort from all three of you (not just you).
I think part of the reason you are not too close with them is because they were very protective over you growing up. You mentioned that they had access to your passwords and acted disapprovingly toward some if the things you did. This likely made you feel anxious and as if you had to hide a lot about your personal life. Something I think would help is to regain confidence in the choices you make. For example, you said that you feel hesitant to buy things online because you think you need their permission. Now that you are 21, you may have more control over your purchases. I recommend making decisions for yourself (such as buying things that make you happy) as a way of feeling more confident in the choices you make. This way, if your parents do act disapprovingly toward your decisions, it would not bother you too much. Here is a link on building confidence in decision-making/: https://www.dumblittleman.com/6-ways-to-overcoming-low-self/
I recommend gradually opening yourself up to them as a way to build a healthy family dynamic. For example, you could increase the amount of time you spend with them. Consider inviting a parent to dinner or asking if they want to run an errand with you. If there is a special holiday you usually celebrate without them, think of a way that you and your family can spend it together. Other ways to spend time with them can be by watching a movie, having a family game night, or enjoying a sports game.
When it comes to communicating with parents, their first instinct may be to turn that conversation into a lecture. This is expected because most parents simply want to protect their children from making mistakes. However, let them know that this is not always necessary. If your parent starts giving unsolicited advice or responds on a way that is not helpful to you, let them know what you would prefer. You can tell them that while you appreciate them looking after you, you would prefer if they just listened for now. This can help the three of you develop healthy communication strategies. Here is a link with tips on communicating effectively with parents: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.scmp.com/better-life/how/article/3027352/how-communicate-your-parents-avoid-arguments-and-actually-be-heard
I want to reassure you that parent-child relationships vary between families. You can love and appreciate your parents without having a tight-knit relationship with them. So, do not feel pressured into reconnecting with them if they are unwilling to put in the effort. If spending too much time with them continues to leave emotionally exhausted, create boundaries that protect your mental health. If you are looking for suggestions on how to build healthy boundaries, check out this link: https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
Sending love and support,
Hi there, love! This is Jude. We have relayed your submission to Helen. She'll be answering it shortly!