I feel like it dont have an actual relationship with my parents and they dont even realize. I NEVER tell them anything personal, its a thing since i was teenager. They have always had all my passwords etc and ive always been terrified theyll find out info about me that i dont want them to have. Im constantly afraid theyll disapprov or be angry whatever I do. the few times i do say something I have always consciously thought at some point "I'm not telling them this". And i think they think were a close knit loving family. which we are, because i love them and we have wonderful moments, but there is just so much going on with them...over all they micromanage everything, has all my passwords, always monitored everything. ive actually been terrified to even so much as buy something online for my own money in the past because I feel like i need permission from them. which also makes me be more sneaky than neccesary sometimes.
As for my dad: he drives me nuts. hes always passive agressive, condescending, and annoying. not just but my mum too. if we ever speak up hes the one whose right. and Ive been terrified since i was little. hes 1.93m and 100kg+ and i know his big stature and hot temper (you do not want to be caught lying!) has scared some of my friends growing up too. and he got a big teddy bear inner but hes also so tough and quick to criticise and at this point im overly snappy sometimes because o hear him criticising before he speak.
my mum: Shes super nervous and emotinally volitile. probably has anxiety issues herself, but mental health has never been a subject in our perfect home. my grandma was just the same, based on what ive heared. she is the one who is home with us kids (I'm 21 and my brother is 18, but were still living at home) and always has been, because my dad is the breadwinner and I just...i feel like she comes with so much unwelcome advice. everything you say has a story and a solution on the other end. I cannot just be with my emotions, and i can't be emotional either - even when im acting justmlike she does. but her everyone should pity and look out for and take care of.
how the hell can i have a relationship with my parents? I love them but I'd rather tell anyone but my parents about my life. even just if im dating someone. I'm so emotionally exhausted with these people and our relationship.