So I have been with my partner now for a little over 7 months now and I can't help to feel insecure about their friends. I get really jealous and sad when they talk about them or want to spend time with them, which I do not want to be like because I know how important these friends are but I cant help the pit in my stomach that occurs. Any relationship I've been in, my partner has left me for their bestfriends so I'm so anxious it'll happen again. I've been trying to keep my thoughts level and not show these emotions because I don't want to be that partner, you know? Cause I do want them to have these close relationships but i also feel so sad because I've connected love with just two people so its all confusing to me because I don't have friendships like theirs. For hopes to ease these tensions I wanted to reach out to their friends and become friends as well, which my partner and their friends said they wanted, but when I did reach out I always got left on read and like the effort wasn't there, so I got pushed down and more anxious, and I just don't know what to do to fix my behavior. (sorry for all the rambling, I get my thoughts across best this way, I hope you can understand)
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Hi love,
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude for advice. I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling insecure in your relationship. Although a little jealousy is common among partners, too much if it can cause serious issues. Thankfully, there are steps you can take to stop feeling as insecure with your partner. You have already made some great first steps, which were acknowledging that you feel insecure and seeking advice to overcome it. Now, it is time to make active changes in your life that can help reduce that anxiety and insecurity.
A major component of overcoming relationship insecurity is building self-esteem. We often feel insecure in our romantic relationships because we think that our relationships increase our worth. When we are faced with the fear of losing our partners, we can be quick to assume that we would lose value. This is why it is important to remind yourself that you are equally valuable, with or without your partner. By building self-esteem, the insecurity that stems from losing your partner can help calm your nerves. To grow self-esteem, give yourself affirmations that highlight your strengths. Compliment yourself on what you love about who you are, such as your generosity, your empathy, or your sense of humor. For advice on building self-confidence and self-esteem. visit these two links: https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-stop-being-insecure and https://positivepsychology.com/self-confidence-self-belief/
Another way to hell build self-esteem is to practice being by yourself. When your partner goes out with their friends, I encourage you to find ways to distract yourself. Perhaps you could go out with your friends as well. If that is not possible, try running some errands, pursuing a hobby you have interest in, watching your favorite film, going for a jog, etc.
It is also important to remind yourself that your partner’s friends are not threats to your relationship. The love your partner has for their friends does not take way from the love they have for you. Just like how your partner is entitled to having friends outside of your relationship, as are you. I found a link with tips on how to overcome jealousy of one’s partner’s friends, which I hope will help: https://content.therapychat.com/en/i-get-jealous-when-my-partner-goes-out-with-friends
I am also very sorry to hear your past relationships have involved your partners leaving you for their best friends. I can imagine how that must have affected your perception of relationships and friendships outside of relationships. Thankfully, your current partner is different from the ones from your past. This is an entirely new relationship, and it is one that should not be compared to your former ones. Therefore, I encourage you to communicate with your partner about what you are going through (if you have not done so already). By opening up to them about your past and your fears, the two of you may be able to find ways to conquer this situation. Being vulnerable can be frightening, but it can also be helpful in easing your anxiety and growing closer with your significant other. Here is advice on how to communicate effectively with your partner: https://www.verywellmind.com/managing-conflict-in-relationships-communication-tips-3144967
Although the process of conquering jealousy and insecurity may not be easy, it will surely be worth it. Recognize that it must have already taken lots of courage to admit your jealousy. With time and dedication, your relationship can heal from this.
Lastly, here are two additional links that offer advice on how to combat jealousy:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201609/four-ways-stop-feeling-insecure-in-your-relationships%3famp
https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-not-be-jealous#consider-the-big-picture
Sending love and support,
Helen
Hello, lovely! Welcome to your emotional safe haven. I have forwarded your submission to Helen, and she'll be answering it shortly. Thank you for supporting our transformation!