Hello!! Hope you are all well.
I need some advice. I started going out with this guys from work and its been about just over 3 months. Things were going well at first! but for the past few weeks I have been having a lot of doubts as I have this gut feeling that things are not quite right.
He was the first to say love you and has said he considers us to be 'official' he also said at least a month ago or even longer that he doesn't feel the need to use tinder and that he does'nt need to look. The other day he was showing me a video on his phone and he went off youtube and i saw the tinder app and I saw it before too. This has confused me as he was the one that said he didn't feel like he needed to use it and considers us 'official' so I am confused why he would still have it. He was also the one that suggested meeting his parents and didn't think it was too early. I have told him a lot of personal things and he knows a lot about how I feel about myself as I have struggled greatly with body dysmorphia and and eating disorder and this has really made me feel inadequate. I'm just questioning if I should really even be upset with this as we have been seeing each other for about 3 months? I also feel a huge pressure as everyone at work knows and were happy about this and also I worry about disappointing his parents however, this is giving me huge anxiety and has really put me off as I am confused and don't know where I stand even though he said to me we are official?
I want to bring it up with him but I am not sure how, as I am worried about how I will tell him I saw it?
I don't know what to do as I don't want to let everyone down but this has really caused me a lot of stress and anxiety and made me feel so low about myself
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this! If you feel frightened, worried, etc. based on this person’s interactions with you, it’s probably for a good reason. We all have those instincts that tell us when we could be in danger; listen to them. Even if this is all online, that doesn’t necessarily make it any less real; this person is using one of many tools (the Internet) to scare, harass, and intimidate you. The end goal is still the same, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. The law may lag behind social or technological changes, but law enforcement is catching up in this area.
Right now, the best thing to do is to gather any evidence you possibly can. Do you have screenshots? Messages? Posts? Anything is better than nothing because it all creates a digital trail. Report them to the site (like Tumblr, etc.) because they’re more likely than not breaking the terms of service (TOS) AND the law. Show any and all of this proof (along with the report to the site admin/staff) to local law enforcement and they can help you, as well.
Remember that anything this person (or anyone else) puts on the Internet is permanent in some sense; this information most likely can be retrieved. You might not have the tools to do so, but people in law enforcement/cyber crimes/etc. definitely do; they can ask the person’s Internet service provider (ISP) or the site to hand over any records or information they have about this person. They can find more evidence based on any evidence you provide them, so try to remember the person’s usernames, sites they frequented, methods they used to contact you, etc.
I do not know what country you are in, but I did my best to compile a list of resources here so you feel more empowered than scared:
This article comes from the National Network to End Domestic Violence, which is based in the US:
https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/stalkingcyberstalking
This source comes from the Domestic Violence Resource Centre in the state of Victoria in Australia:
https://www.dvrcv.org.au/help-advice/cyber-stalking-and-harassment
This particular source comes from a law office in the state of NJ in the US:
https://www.rosenbergperry.com/practice-areas/harassment-charges-in-new-jersey/cyber-stalking-cyber-harassment/
This is a paper published in the International Journal of Cyber Criminology:
https://www.ojp.gov/ncjrs/virtual-library/abstracts/cyber-stalking-analysis-online-harassment-and-intimidation
You can read the abstract and download the actual paper. This is great to read if you want to learn more about the reasons behind people who cyberstalk and such.
This article is from a mental health resource website, which has a bunch of techniques to protect yourself in this situation and how to be safe online in general: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-cyberstalking-5181466
This article comes from a writing organization that explains when and how to reach out to law enforcement and legal counsel:
https://onlineharassmentfieldmanual.pen.org/reporting-to-law-enforcement/
It explains more of the terminology with which you may need to familiarize yourself to explain what’s going on.
Whatever you do, please take some sort of measures to protect yourself online and offline. Tell a trusted friend or family member and have them accompany you if you’re feeling afraid of being alone. Gather any evidence of this person harassing or stalking you (online or offline) and add it to the pile. Be careful about what you do online for the time being; try to limit your time on there or at least try to cover your tracks some more. Take full advantage of any privacy settings you have.
There’s no guarantee that this person is going to harm you, but people like this tend to escalate until they are stopped; they may even claim they “weren’t going to do anything,” but they certainly make you think they will. This is what is called an extinction burst; this is when someone ramps up behavior to elicit a response or reinforcement to a high point and then gives up. This article explains it in proper psychological terms: https://link.springer.com/referenceworkentry/10.1007%2F978-0-387-79061-9_1073
If it helps, think of it like a child’s tantrum; tantrums are more than just emotional outbursts because a child is usually just craving attention in some way. The parents who ignore it and take the kid out of the store are giving the kid a chance to get their feelings out without indulging bad behavior. Not responding to this stalker’s attempts to contact you or intimidate you and instead turning them over to law enforcement/legal counsel show them that they won’t get attention from you and will instead face consequences for their bad behavior. Imagine the shock on their face when they have to deal with authority!
I want to emphasize that this isn’t your fault; no one deserves to be harassed, stalked, or intimidated at all. You deserve all the help and protection you can get right now because you never know if this person is just that unhinged enough to take the abuse offline and into real life. I don’t want to scare you more than you already are; I want you to be prepared. People can be scary, but you don’t have to live in fear because you can absolutely take steps to protect yourself. You deserve to feel safe, no matter what.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile
Hey there,
First, I’d like to reassure you about something. Allow yourself to feel however it is that you are feeling. You don’t have to justify your feelings to anyone—not even yourself. We can’t always make sense of our emotions, and that’s okay. Give yourself the permission and the space to feel these feelings. If you’d like to sort them out, then do so, but let yourself feel first. You don’t have to make any decisions during that time.
I’m really sorry to hear that you are under so much pressure. I understand where you’re coming from. It sounds like you want to make others around you happy and proud of you. That is not a bad thing, but it can become a hinderance to your own well-being when it consumes you. Keep in mind that, even if this relationship doesn’t work out, it is not everyone else’s relationship—it is yours. It is between the two of you.
Here are some tips on handling the opinons of others: https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-things-remember-you-care-too-much-about-what-others-think.html. Something that has helped me significantly are boundaries. There are certain things you don’t have to discuss with certain people. It isn’t being mean to simply tell someone it’s none of their business. Keeping attention away from things you don’t want to be scrutinized is very important, and can help you manage those expectations. It also sounds like you expect a lot from yourself, which is also not a bad thing from time to time. You feel as if you are letting everyone around you down, and that isn’t true. No one is going to fault you for feeling the way you do. Here are some things to remember when you start feeling overwhelmed: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/go-easy-on-yourself-5-simple-ways-to-boost-self-compassion-0308165.
I can understand not knowing if you should bring this to his attention or not, but I think that if it bothers you, it’s worth discussing. I think that you should start off in a relationship the way you want to continue—by keeping communication open. Even if something seems small, there is no harm in talking about it. And if there is harm in talking about it, that can be worked on. Here are some tips on how to discuss issues within a relationship: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-talk-about-relationship-problems-with-your-partner-0924184.
Communication is very important, but how you communicate is just as important. Avoid blame-filled words and phrases like, “you always,” or “you never.” Timing is also important. Make sure the two of you have enough time to discuss the situation without having to rush off to do other things. Also, make sure you are both in a calm state of mind. I think that the best way to broach the subject is by being honest. I think that, “Hey, something has been on my mind lately” is an excellent way to start. It isn’t as if you were going through his phone—you just happened to see the app there. It is possible that he forgot to delete the app and hasn’t been using it. I’m sure you have tried to convince yourself of this, but there is still no harm in letting him know how you feel.
You got this!
Andrea
Hi, @Boopsti ! Thank you so much for reaching out to us. Our peer counsellor, Andrea, will get back to you shortly. Until then, stay strong!