Before me and my partner got together he was dating my ex best friend (who I was friends with at the time) and she would tell me the things he said- how he hated me and was disgusted with me and my body and all this crap. he claims he finds me attractive, he claims he loves me but I struggle believing it because of this. hes also a feeder/feedee and into that fetish Which I participate in for him (I do enjoy it too) but on tumblr I see his likes all the time and the people he’s liking photos of and getting off too look so different from my body and seeing that makes me think that mabye he still is disgusted with my body and that never changed. I’m not an attractive kind of fat (As much as people want to say all sizes are attractive their is a standard for fat people of what’s attractive just like with skinny people) and I worry that I’m just ugly and not good enough for him because I am the unattractive kind of fat- and if that is the case then that means he doesn’t actually love me and is just using me for sex and I’m waiting for the day that he will tell me that. Idk what to do to stop these thought. Idk if they are true and it’s my guts way of telling me. i feel stuck and depressed and like their is nothing i can do to change this feeling
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@Iammeandyouareyou, are you interested in Asking Jude's pay-what-you-can live peer counselling service? This is a remote counselling service that can be accessed via phone, video call, or text messaging. Our peer counsellors are all personally trained by me to handle unique and complex cases. It's completely flexible to fit your needs too: You can choose how often you would like to meet with your counsellor and pay as much (like $100) or as little (like $1) as you like as well!
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Hello, hun!
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having doubts about your relationship as well as confidence issues with your body. Neither one of these situations are easy to navigate on their own but can be even harder when they go hand-in-hand with each other.
Starting off and as a plus-sized individual myself, I need to emphasize that you are already beautiful. Your body is perfect in whatever state you feel comfortable, healthy, and yourself in. It doesn’t matter what anyone else - your boyfriend or society - thinks because you don’t need to change or adapt yourself to fit in. Beauty standards change with the times and do nothing to truly measure whether a person is more or less worthy of love, success, and happiness. What we deem desirable now is very different than what was desirable hundreds of years ago and will more than likely change again.
Of course, surrounded by social media, TV shows, and billboards, knowing this and living by it are wildly different things. I find myself caught between them too - knowing all bodies are created equal, yet looking in the mirror and thinking that doesn’t apply to me. Below, I have linked articles that can act as a reminder that body positivity does apply to you:
https://meteamedia.org/20179/opinions/the-beauty-standards-placed-on-women-are-unrealistically-unachievable/
https://www.refreshtherapynyc.com/forget-about-societys-beauty-standards/
https://www.lsureveille.com/daily/opinion-traditional-beauty-standards-restrictive-reject-diversity/article_1027b874-c1ea-11e8-bdd4-fb7cc02347a2.html
https://www.allure.com/story/rebelling-against-beauty-norms
https://symptomsofliving.com/blog/the-world-used-to-love-fat-women/
I also wish to include some articles that might serve as confidence boosters. Everyone should feel good in their skin, including those of us with a few extra pounds. I hope they help you realize that there is no ‘attractive’ or ‘unattractive’ fat like the world wants you to believe. There is fat - not good fat or bad fat. It’s just a simple adjective like any other.
https://curvicality.com/body-image-boost-the-secrets-of-happy-plus-size-women/
https://www.natalieshay.com/blogs/how-to-embrace-your-body-even-when-it-is-not-perfect
https://theeverygirl.com/dating-as-a-plus-size-woman/
https://aninjusticemag.com/fat-is-not-a-bad-word-ac7f981099e4
Insecurities are a normal part of life, but I implore you not to allow your boyfriend to dictate how you feel about yourself. The way that he spoke about you before your relationship was crude and says more about his character than about your body. No one deserves to be talked about in that manner, and no one deserves to be in a relationship that causes them to second guess their worth. You are enough as you are, and if he can’t see that, he’s losing out. Not you.
On that note, take the time to speak to him about your former friend's claims. Was the friend telling the truth? In the best-case scenario, they were not, and it was a ploy to create friction in the group. However, if he did make those comments about your body, you should ask for an apology. Remarks like these are inappropriate no matter the relationship or the current situation. Regardless of his answer, it’s a perfect time to voice your worries. You can bring up how you think he feels about your body and brainstorm ideas on what you can do together to establish a healthy relationship with each other without insecurities.
It’s true that we hope and want our partners to be attracted to us, although it should not be done at the expense of your mental and physical health. Your boyfriend should not just tell you that he loves you but show you. His actions online, around you, in and out of sex, should show you without a shadow of a doubt that he loves you and finds you beautiful no matter what shape or size you are.
I wish you the absolute best,
xx Selena
Hi, @Iammeandyouareyou ! Thank you so much for reaching out to Asking Jude. One of our peer counsellors, Selena, will get back to you shortly. Until then, stay strong!