Back in December, I broke up with my ex who is British because I felt like he was being distant with me and was not honest with me about something. I should have trusted my intuition and stayed broken up with him and moved on. The next day, his friend told me that my ex has a girlfriend who is pregnant and is having a baby. So, I learned that my ex pursued me while in a relationship with his pregnant girlfriend. My ex said that he missed me and will do better so I took him back. There have been several accusations that I have heard about him such as him being racist and not liking African Americans but I refused to believe it when we first started dating. After a few months of us dating, I have heard him say that he does not like African American around his friends. So, 3 weeks ago, he broke up with me to stay loyal to his girlfriend and he is raising the baby with her. I hate how he pursued me while having a girlfriend and did not tell me about it and I never should have taken him back in the first place. Sometimes my ex's friend will mention and say that's why your ex cheated on you whenever we are in the same lobby in the game. I honestly hate my ex so much for what he did and I am mad at the fact that his friends did nothing about it.
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Hi there,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude for advice on your situation. It sounds like you are experiencing a lot of regret and resentment for your ex. This is a really tough situation to deal with, and your feelings are completely valid and understandable. Nobody deserves to be treated like this, especially by someone who is supposed to care and love for them.
I think that a lot of the resentment you are feeling may be coming from you feeling guilty that you took him back after initially learning that he was cheating on you. I’m sure that even though you took him back, you were weary about whether he deserved it, but decided to give him another chance anyway. I believe in second chances, but only when they are deserved. To lie to you for all of your relationship, and for the lie to be about cheating, is a very serious thing. You know this now, but looking back at your forgiving nature insights some anger directed at yourself.
Even though it is unfortunate the way things panned out, there is nothing we can do to change how either of you acted or reacted in the past. The only thing to do now is forgive yourself for taking him back. Everyone makes mistakes, and yours was a mistake made in good intention (trusting others to change is a good trait to have!). Remember, this is all a learning experience, and this experience ensures that you will not tolerate this type of behavior in any of your future relationships.
As for the anger you feel for your ex, this may take longer to pass. Give yourself the time and space you need to feel your emotions and wallow in them for a bit. It is unhealthy to suppress and try to move on immediately. Instead, express your feelings in some way. Many people enjoy journaling and doing art during a breakup because they are able to channel all of the negative emotions they are feeling towards something creative and positive. Talking about your feelings and your anger can also be highly effective. Speaking to a close friend or family member may be just what you need to process your feelings and get into a better headspace. Of course, as I recommend to anyone going through a hard time mentally, self-care is everything. Take time out of the day to do something (or multiple things) nice for yourself. This could be taking a bubble bath, watching your favorite movie, going on a hike...whatever makes you feel the most happy and comfortable.
Here are some resources that may help you:
Anger Towards Ex: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201906/how-stop-being-angry-your-ex
“The Anatomy Of A Breakup”: https://zenpsychiatry.com/the-five-stages-of-suckiness/
What Therapist Wants You To Know About Getting Back Together: https://www.elitedaily.com/p/if-youre-getting-back-together-with-your-ex-after-infidelity-heres-what-therapists-want-you-to-know-17128174
Take care,
Jordan
Hi, @Stay Strong ! It's wonderful to hear from you again despite the circumstances. Our team member Jordan will be answering your submission tomorrow. Keep on staying strong!