My friend and I are both 28. We have gotten closer in the last 8 months. We have known each other since we were kids but weren't that close. I had a huge thing for him when I was 18 and he would always blow me off if I asked him to hang out or to meet up.
Fast forward to now. I have no feelings for him and he has a lot of feelings for me. He asked me out every chance he can. It's become so much. He's also always telling me how much he's in love with me and how anything I do or say makes him happy. He knows where I stand and he knows I am currently with someone but it doesn't stop him for making sometimes inappropriate comments.
At first I didn't care But as time goes on I get tired of it especially since he knows I'm sort of with someone. The thing is we have gotten so close because we have similar households and also similar views on things. I am completely opposite from him. I have lots of tattoos, I drink alcohol, I have colored hair and piercings Etc. He doesn't believe in doing any of those things and that's what makes question why he likes me. He hasn't been in a relationship in 4 years and is always super obsessive with me and also very desperate just to have attention or someone.
I definitely understand if he's just lonely but he makes it like it's my problem. He started going on dating sites and talking to other chicks. And I was happy for him. It got him out of his shell and got him to talk to other people. I enjoy my friendship with him but I also don't want him to wait around for me especially since I have no interest in him and he knows that. He has all these requirements that he wants out of a girl and that's another reason why I really don't have feelings for him. It's like impossible requirements. They have to be a certain weight and can't go above it or below it they have to always have long hair and never cut it no matter what. The list goes on.
But he found two girls that he really liked. One of them stop talking to him and another one was supposed to meet him. She was traveling from a different state. But something just didn't seem right but I didn't feel like I would be the person to tell him. Because he never believes when I feel like something is off or if something doesn't make sense. He always acts like I'm making it up. So the girl never showed up and she blocked him on everything. He had given me her phone number to text her to see if she was still there or not. But when I looked her number up it was a fake number and nothing matched. He definitely was being played but here's the big kicker.
Now he's taking it out on everyone including myself. He's been ignoring me and then when he talks to me he's very rude. He acts like I've never gone through difficult times. Some of his stuff started to worry me because of how mean he was. And his true colors started to show more. I'm kind of at a point where I don't want to let go of the friendship but I don't want to be talken down to. I don't want to be blamed for everything in his life. And just because it didn't work out with two girls he's acting like it's the end of the world. I've been in his shoes before and I've also been in the girls shoes as well. I was just trying to give him words of encouragement last night and he was so nasty to me. And I realize maybe I need a break from him. And even though I feel bad for him I know I can't do or say anything to him. I think What Hurts the Most is his birthday was a couple days ago and he had told me how no one ever celebrates his birthday. And I went out of my way and bought him all these different gifts and got him his favorite snacks and drinks. Went out of my way even when I wasn't feeling great and he seemed grateful for that brief moment but when his other friend shipped him some clothes he forgot everything that I had done. And then when this girl he was supposed to meet ordered him some food he acted like no one did anything for him and it was only her. He like ranted on social media saying how no one did anything for his birthday even though it was a lie because his mother also did stuff for him.
So... I really could use some advice about the situation. I know you can't tell me what to do but if you have any suggestions or ideas I would love to hear them. Thank you so much for everything. Your blog has helped me throughout the years.
Hi there,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I am sorry to hear that you are navigating a difficult situation; friendships are often confusing and frustrating, especially when friends do things that are out of your control. It is great that you can recognize when you are being mistreated and deserve better, and it is completely within your right to inform your friend he is hurting you or making you uncomfortable. It can be difficult when the people you love are struggling, and even more so when they direct their anger and frustration towards you.
You should consider having an honest and open-minded conversation with him about his behavior and how it is impacting you. When you decide to have this conversation, make sure you are both able to focus your full attention on each other. Provide details about what specific things he has done that have negatively impacted you. For example, mention his persistent and inappropriate pursuit of a romantic relationship and his careless reaction to your thoughtful birthday gift. Try to use “I” statements; for example, “I feel (say how you are feeling) when you act that way.” These kinds of phrases prevent your tone from sounding accusatory. You should also strive to maintain a calm demeanor and actively listen to his response.
I have linked an article that contains some additional information on how to have a difficult conversation: https://www.ccl.org/articles/leading-effectively-articles/5-steps-for-tackling-tough-conversations/#:~:text=If%20you%20do%20decide%20to,legitimate%20part%20of%20the%20discussion.
If he rebuffs your efforts to have an honest conversation, or if he refuses to change his behavior, you may want to consider taking some time away from each other. While you do not owe him an explanation, you can remind him that this decision has nothing to do with him; you are distancing yourself solely for the purpose of bettering your mental and emotional health. It doesn’t necessarily need to be physical distance; you could start with unfollowing or blocking him on social media or only speaking with him once or twice a week. Whatever boundaries you decide to implement, inform him and ask that he respect your decision. Always remember that boundaries are solely for your benefit and do not concern the people around you. If he reacts poorly to your new boundaries or says you’re overreacting, that should not affect your decision. You cannot control his actions, but you can control how you respond to them.
Here is more information on setting and enforcing boundaries: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm.
You also mentioned that you feel guilty for wanting space. The act of distancing yourself from someone is not indicative of your opinion of him. You are allowed to take time away from your friendship with him to decide whether or not he is someone you still want in your life. This does not mean you do not care about him, and if he has a negative reaction to this decision, that is not your problem.
Here is an article that talks about how to identify a toxic friendship: https://www.thesource.org/post/10-signs-youre-in-a-toxic-friendship.
I hope that some of this information was helpful. Please feel free to reach out to Asking Jude again if you have any further questions.
Stay strong,
Andrea