i've been friends with someone since elementary school. we're in college now and he's the only one who's trustworthy and reliable. basically my only friend. i always worry that he's gonna leave me like everyone else and so i've been getting mad at some things he does as an excuse to leave him before he leaves me. i exploded at him the other day and now we're taking a break from our friendship. he says he still wants to be friends and understands why i lashed out (my home situation isn't the best). what should i do? i've been alone my whole life so if he actually leaves then whatever i guess but i don't have anyone else i can turn to like him. but if i remain friends then i will always anticipate when he leaves me or hurts me.
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Hi there,
First of all, I want you to know that your feelings about your friendship are valid. The thought of losing someone that you have been close to for such a long time can be frightening, especially if they’re somebody that you grew up with. Second of all, as hard as it sounds, I think it is healthy that the two of you are taking a break for now. Taking a break allows each of you to regather your thoughts after any argument. And, third of all, your friend sounds amazing, and I guarantee you that when he goes off the college, he is not leaving you personally. He sounds like he values your friendship just as much as you do, and it sounds like the two of you understand one another very well.
With that being said, though, it is important to realize that, although he may not physically be near you when he is away at school, there are ways to remain connected with one another. However, it is just as important for the two of you to give one another space while he is away, so both you and he can explore the opportunities that await you in your lives.
My first piece of advice that I can give you is that while he is away at college, the two of you should set up weekly or bi-weekly FaceTime or video messaging calls depending on when the two of you want to talk. That way, while he is away, you two can keep up with one another’s lives. You can also text each other once in a while, asking how he is and what he’s been up to at college.
Secondly, when your friend comes back for winter and summer breaks, you will have plenty of opportunities to see him. After he’s been away for a few months, it will be great to finally have the opportunity to catch up again! You two can set up special activities that you’ve rarely done together, such as going out to a game or concert to make the experience of seeing one another once again even more special!
However, with all of this being said, every friendship is built on trust and boundaries. It is important to realize that both you and he are not the same people that you were back when you first met. As people grow, they change - especially during the college-age years. The late teens and early twenties are a crucial time where exploration (whether that be career exploration, exploring the world, exploring different courses in school, etc.) is crucial. It is important for both you and him to explore all of the opportunities that are given to you.
Above all, I strongly encourage you to talk to your friend in a calm manner about how you’re feeling. Explain to him that you’re scared of losing him once he goes off to college. Establish when and how the two of you want to communicate while he is away. I’ve provided resources that can help guide your conversation with him and provides tips on how to manage when a good friend moves away. Best of luck with everything!
https://socialself.com/blog/friend-moving-away/
https://marciasirotamd.com/relationships/how-to-talk-to-your-friends-about-your-feelings
Rebecca