Basically, there's this girl I like. I've known her about 6 months and she's one of my best friends. We've had loads of happy memories together, but she's also been there to listen to me when I was struggling. (I am a pansexual girl) I'm pretty sure she's straight. I mean, I know she's straight, though she has mentioned that she's been questioning her sexuality, but she still says she's straight. I hate the feeling of having a crush - I'm demisexual and it's not necessarily something I feel very often, but when I do it basically takes over my entire life - because I know that I love her so so much just as a friend, but I feel like I can't be fully happy with that because I'm always wanting more. It makes me kind of happy to dream about some future that I can't have, but I know it's completely unrealistic, and I feel like that's hurting me. It stops me from concentrating on the things I already love in life. So I kind of wanted to just explain all of this to her, and make it very clear why I was telling her, and make it VERY clear that I still want more than anything to be her friend,, just so that I have confirmation that I can stop dreaming. I feel like all my attraction just needs to go somewhere, and if the best place for it is in a box in the back of my brain then I feel like I just need confirmation that I can put it there. I'm so sure that she doesn't feel the same way, but some small part of me just won't believe that, so I feel like I just need to hear her say it. But I know I'm going to hate myself for telling her, even if she completely understands and it's not awkward at all, since I know every time I've told her anything in the past we've got through it. I'm just going to hate myself for having that conversation, and I'm so nervous, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to hate myself if I don't talk to her to. I just don't know what to do.
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Hey there!
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling with your feelings for your friend. Crushes are tough, and I doubt the specifics of your situation make them any easier.
I understand why you would want to find closure and put your attraction to rest. It looks like you’ve been feeling conflicted and I want you to know that being attracted to someone who may not feel the same way is not something you should hate yourself for. It's not always within our control who we develop feelings for. You shouldn’t put yourself down for wanting to talk to her about your feelings. Being honest with yourself and others about how you feel is important, especially if keeping this a secret is negatively affecting you. It takes courage to be vulnerable and open up about your thoughts and emotions. It's great that you’re considering your options, but you don’t have to figure this out on your own. I’d be more than happy to try to make this situation a little easier for you.
Before deciding whether to talk to her about how you feel, reflect on what you hope to gain in doing so. If you just want to get something off your chest and don't necessarily need a response from her, try writing yourself a letter or journaling about your feelings. Try writing down why you are having these feelings or when you first started to notice them. You could also write about your commitment to maintaining the friendship and aspects of your relationship that you value most. This is a great way to process them without putting pressure on your friend or potentially damaging the friendship.
Writing can be a great way to process your emotions, but it can be difficult to know where to start. This article on writing therapy may be helpful for you: https://tinyurl.com/wzt3yhmm.
When reflecting on your feelings, ask yourself about how this may play out. What would come from you telling her about your feelings? Do you want to tell her to confirm her feelings or to clear your head? You should be sure that you can handle any possibility. Of course, you should trust your friend telling you that she’s straight, but try not to anticipate how she’ll respond. Overthinking about what could go wrong will only cause more harm than good. If you don’t think you’re prepared for her answer, whatever it may be, then telling her might not be the best idea just yet. Think through your feelings before making any decisions, and remember that you’re capable of moving on and shifting focus to other aspects of your life.
If you decide to talk to your friend, it's important to approach the discussion with honesty and empathy. Before having the conversation, take some time to reflect on what you want to say and how you want to phrase it. Let her know that you value your friendship and don't want your feelings to get in the way of it. You could also express that you needed to be honest about how you feel in order to move on. Be careful not to leave her feeling pressured to give you an answer, especially since you said she may be questioning her sexuality. Let her know that you respect her boundaries and are not expecting anything from her.
Even if things don't turn out exactly how you hope, it doesn't mean that your friendship with her is over or that you did something wrong. It's possible that your friend may need some time to process their own feelings and may require some space to do so. It’s also completely understandable if you find it beneficial to take some time to process your own thoughts and emotions if they are becoming too overwhelming. Taking a step back is often necessary and may help you two prioritize your friendship better.
You might find this article helpful since it discusses how someone would go about telling a friend about a crush: https://socialself.com/blog/tell-friend-you-like-them/.
Additionally, this article provides ways to deal with unrequited feelings and may be helpful to your situation: https://tinyurl.com/4tsubnad.
Know that you don’t need to have all of the answers right now and that it's okay to take things slowly. Remember that you’re deserving of love and respect from those around you. Take the time you need to process your emotions and don't be too hard on yourself. You're not alone in this. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out again. You can get through this!
If you’re ever looking for confidential, 24/7 support for anything you may be struggling with, The Trevor Project provides a text, call, and chatline that can be found here: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help/.
Always be kind to yourself,
Mikayla