How do I tell my mother when she's done something that upsets me, without upsettig her? I know how much it hurts her ((mostly due to a headmate of mine telling her she was abusive (she isn't) and blaming her for my dads actions)) even though she tries to hide it. I know that she also won't tell me if I've said/done something hurtful and i just need to know how to solve this (for ref i'm a teenager and we no longer live w/ my dad)
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Hi there,
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude. This is a great question, and one that addresses an issue that I believe a lot of people deal with.
It is so important to recognize that your intention in this situation is good. You want to let your mother know that something she did upset you because you care about her enough to want to resolve an issue and maintain a healthy relationship. If your intention was not good and you did not care for her, you would either ignore the issue altogether or lash out in some way (which would also make her upset). Since your intention is good, I think this positive intention will be visible to her when you address an issue, especially if you address it in a healthy way.
The healthiest way to address a conflict is to sit down with the person when you are both in a good headspace and have an open and honest conversation about it. You can start off the conversation by telling your mom that the last thing you want to do is offend her. But, you want to be honest with her and tell her something that has been on your mind and upsetting you lately. This leaves little room for your mom to blame you for making her feel bad; even if she does feel a tiny bit bad, she is aware that this is not at all your intention.
Some people do not take well to conflict, and if your mom falls into this category, I can understand why you are feeling a little weary. If you still feel anxious that she was hurt after the conversation, feel free to check in with her and ask if anything you said to her was upsetting. If there were any hurt feelings, you can work them out immediately. Trust me, she will appreciate your openness and honesty in the end.
Here are some resources that may help you:
Talking to Parents about Emotions: https://www.girlshealth.gov/feelings/talk/
Dealing with Anger Towards Parents: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-emotional-intensity/201907/4-ways-release-anger-towards-your-parents
Dealing with a Sensitive Parent: https://ask.metafilter.com/332451/How-to-deal-with-a-very-sensitive-parent
Dealing with Sensitive People: https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-Sensitive-People
Take care,
Jordan