I just wanted some input. I have a best friend I've known for 8 years. Historically I've "switched" on her in a cycle of idealizing and devaluing, and she has no idea because I realize that it's wrong and restrain myself from acting on intense feelings. We never fight because when I'm switching on her I take a step back from the friendship, and come back to her when I'm in control of myself. The devaluing always happens because she doesn't show me as much love or affection as I feel I need from her. But recently I traveled a long way to meet her and I felt more alone there than ever, I struggled mentally and she didn't support me. At the end of the trip, I felt more distance from her than before because she was uncomfortable with me, wasn't showing me love. Now I'm struggling to maintain the friendship, I want to devalue and discard, and I'm acting passive aggressive. I don't know what to do, this is my best friend.
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I’m sorry to hear that things within your friend group are so challenging right now. Mr. Banks seems to have a very domineering personality, which isn’t always a negative thing, but in this case, can be pretty upsetting to some people. You said that a lot of people in your friend group are non-confrontational, which is also not a negative thing depending on the situation. When it comes to standing up for something or someone, being non-confrontational can be a bit negative. In life, there are times to be confrontational, even if it isn’t in your personality. Confronting someone like this can be challenging, especially if Mr. Banks responds by calling you emotional. This is his way of damaging your credibility. To upset someone, then call them emotional is a form of manipulation. Here are some signs that you are being manipulated by a friend (notice numbers one and three): https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/5-signs-youre-manipulated-friendship/.
You’re right: His character development is not your responsibility. It might be a good idea to ask your friends how they feel about the state of the group-chat. I would start by stating your intentions and how you’ve been feeling. For example, “I’ve been feeling upset by what Mr. Banks has been saying, and this is what I’d like to do about it.” They can make the decision to join the new group-chat or not. A lot of people may not want to participate in a group-chat without Mr. Banks, and that is okay. Let the decision be theirs. Mr. Banks may find out out about this and be upset, but you are not responsible for how he feels.
It sounds like you no longer want to be friends with Mr. Banks but are worried about the fallout. Based on what you’ve told me about Mr. Banks, it will be difficult to not have some reaction from him. Here are some tips on dealing with friend drama that may help: https://www.dosomething.org/us/articles/the-dos-and-donts-of-friend-drama. He is going to try to get a reaction out of you if you approach him with this, so keep that in mind. It is important that you remain calm and keep a level head.
I know all of this sounds easier said than done. Don’t expect to be a pro at it after a couple of tries. This is something that a lot of people struggle with, including myself. Unfortunately, if you want out of this friendship with him, there is going to be some confrontation. He is either going to confront you online or in person. Sometimes, it is easier to communicate in person. That way, text can’t be misconstrued.
It is important that you focus on the situation at hand rather than talk about all of his past actions. If he does something passive-aggressive in person, call it out. Here are some tips on confronting a manipulative person that may help you: http://qara.org/dealing-with-manipulation-how-to-handle-confrontation-with-a-manipulator-part-2-of-2/. He may try to talk to others about you and be passive-aggressive the way he has been to other friends. If he does these things in your presence, it is up to you how to respond. If you don’t feel comfortable confronting him at a particular time, that is okay. You have the power to block, to walk away, and to stand up for yourself and your friends.