Hey Jude. I have this thing that happened with my boyfriend about 7 months back and I don't know how to feel about it. We were at this rave having a great time and he started acting kinda weird, he kept telling me "I know what you did" over and over again. When we got home he said he knew I slept with a classmate of mine (which i didn't), and got aggresive and manic. At that moment I realized he was high and found out he had taken a really high dose of MDMA. I didn't feel safe but I stayed with him through the night to make sure he was ok. We talked about it the next day and he apologized but i still feel kinda icky about it, he's always been insecure and has these bursts of jealousy from time to time (he hasn't had them in a while). I haven't brough it since but i still think about it and it makes me anxious. I have regrets about staying with him on that night and feel like I should've left as soon as I started to feel unsafe. How do i get over what happened? Should i bring it up again? I feel like we've both moved on form the incident and he's been great. I don't want to feel like I can't trust him when we go out or wait for the next jealousy episode.
i know it's a lot. Thanks for your help xo
Hi there,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. While some time has passed since this incident, it sounds like it is still weighing on you. It is understandable that you would have residual feelings about that night; someone you love was irrationally and inexplicably angry towards you, which can be scary. This event has caused you to view your boyfriend differently, and you may be doubting the relationship as a result. If you feel unsafe or afraid, or if you fear a similar outburst may happen again, I would recommend trying to talk to him about it. This conversation may be uncomfortable, but these feelings of doubt will likely not go away until you talk to him about that night. Open-minded and honest communication is vital to all relationships, and though it may be a difficult discussion, it is important that you tell him about how that night has been affecting you. This conversation will also allow you both to come up with solutions to prevent this from happening again, and you both can make a plan for how to proceed going forward.
Here are some tips on how to have difficult conversations: https://www.ccl.org/articles/leading-effectively-articles/5-steps-for-tackling-tough-conversations. I have also linked an article that discusses how to rebuild trust in a relationship: https://www.lovediscovery.org/post/activities-to-rebuild-trust-in-your-relationship#:~:text=The%20key%20to%20rebuilding%20trust,equally%20important%20to%20listen%20actively.
It is also important that you are patient with yourself. Working through these complex emotions may take time, and healing is not a linear path. Try to lean on friends and family as you process the situation; having a strong support system is vital for your mental and physical well-being. You should also try to lean on your boyfriend; you should always be able to rely on your partner to help you through difficult times. To help reestablish trust and mutual respect, you could also try to go to smaller and quieter events together, such as going to the movies, going on a walk, going to dinner, etc. These will strengthen the bond of your relationship, which will help you feel safer and more at ease the next time you go to an event like a rave.
Here are some tips on coping with traumatic events that you may find helpful: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/traumatic-stress.htm.
As you work through this situation, try to remember that all your feelings are valid. While it is important for you to recognize and accept your feelings, you should also keep in mind that you cannot change the past; it is important to focus on making a plan moving forward instead of ruminating on past events unnecessarily.
Thank you again for reaching out to Asking Jude. I hope that some of this information was helpful, and please do not hesitate to reach out again if you have any further questions.
Hang in there,
Andrea