We're open but he doesn't see anyone else, and out of respect to his pace I've not been seeing anyone else, and dropped other partners for him. He often intinitiates conversation and asks me if I want to come over, or offers things, but always phrases it in a way like he's indifferent, but still quite persistent, just never using solid language. In fact, it's always him asking whether I want to come over. I've made it clear I am happy with just him, but I don't initiate as often so as to not "push" my feelings or feel like I am disrespecting his space. I am pretty much staying at his every night.
I told him I loved him about 2 months ago, and he wasn't ready to say it back; or even indicate it back. That's fine, I can respect that. However, he continues to say vague things, such as, "How do you know I don't (love you)?", yet gets very distant and quiet when I try a conversation about where he feels in our situation. This has made lose body confidence, and I feel doubtful about myself. He also very rarely complements me, but is able to express it for other women (but not to them), often musing how he might be confident enough to ask out someone else. I've even facilitated this, as I am happy with more partners, as long as we are measured (I was practising polyamory before he became my primary partner). I don't think I've been attracted to anyone as much as him in my life, and we are similiar in every way, apart from with love.
However he is into acts of service, such as sex, cooking, paying for things, little adventures, etc, when he does not do these things for anyone else, even known to be frugal. He's 33 and has only had one long term partner, around 8 years ago, which was open and at points, long distance.
In the meantime I've had interest from other people who want to put in the effort, and I feel maybe I am wasting my time for someone who doesn't want to commit to any solid boundary but still wants my devotion, and is happy to accept my affection. I am also expected to come into quite a lot of money, which adds suspicion.
Am I being too pushy expecting to have a solid answer of where we are, let alone whether he loves me? Am I not being patient enough for someone else's pace? Or is this just a messy situation I'm holding onto as I've had a massive crush on him for the last 2 years?
Hi there,
It sounds like you’re in a difficult situation where the level of commitment in your relationship hasn’t been properly communicated yet. A healthy, open relationship should involve mutual respect and communication, and it can be tough being left in the dark by your partner. Before I go any further, I want you to try making a list of what you want out of a relationship; this can help you be more clear about your needs and start deciding what’s best for you. Think about what has worked for you in the past, what you liked and didn't like, and what qualities are important to you. What are your deal-breakers? You seem to be very flexible in your relationship currently. What are things that are non-negotiable for you in a relationship? Try to also focus on what you want rather than what you don’t. Are you looking for real commitment? It's important to have a clear idea of what you want and need in a relationship before you can effectively communicate that to your partner. Making a list can help you identify your priorities and values and allow you to set boundaries and standards for yourself.
This article discusses different emotional needs that people have in relationships, including the need for affection, and provides tips on how to fulfill these needs. It could be helpful for you as you start to reflect on what you want out of your relationship: https://www.healthline.com/health/emotional-needs#affection.
Your partner seems to be struggling with communicating his feelings clearly and directly. This can be frustrating and confusing for you, as it probably leaves you unsure about where you stand in the relationship. Let him know that you would appreciate more direct and clear communication about his feelings and intentions. If this is something you two have discussed in the past, is he aware that his communication style is leaving you stressed? It may be helpful for both you and your partner to explore different communication styles and identify which style works best for each of you. This article provides useful information on the four communication styles and how they impact relationships: https://www.skinnerpsychotherapy.com/relationships-the-4-styles-of-communication/.
You could try opening the conversation with something like, “I understand that you may have difficulty expressing your feelings, but it's leaving me unsure about where I stand in the relationship." Do this in a place where you won't be interrupted or distracted. Try to use “I” statements to avoid placing blame in that moment. That can lead anyone to shut down and/or get defensive. It can take some time to get it right, but if you both allow it to happen, you’ll be able to effectively communicate the issues at hand. Try reading this article if you need any further information: https://tinyurl.com/2p82t2sv.
I know you said he has only been in one long-term relationship. It's possible that his past experiences with that one long-term partner have shaped his current approach to relationships, including his hesitancy to commit or express himself to you. However, it's important to remember that, ultimately, his actions and feelings are his own responsibility and not something you can control or fix on your own.
People can experience commitment issues for a number of reasons (these articles can help you better understand commitment fears in your partner: https://tinyurl.com/bdz3862r; https://tinyurl.com/ykzf9yvd).
Alternatively, this link will provide you with some examples of a partner who expresses their love healthily as well as how to communicate and listen effectively in a relationship: https://tinyurl.com/yzkndtxw.
Ultimately, though, you can’t control how he responds– only what you tell him. Focus on what’s in your control and try to remember that you can only do your best to communicate your needs. Remember that even if you have some understanding of why your partner may be struggling with commitment or communication, it doesn't excuse his behavior if it is making you unhappy or unfulfilled in the relationship.
While it's great that you are trying so hard to respect your partner's pace, it's also important that your needs and desires are being met in the relationship. I’ll say that if this lack of clear communication is bothering you, then you’re not being pushy. It's okay to advocate for yourself and your needs in a relationship; your partner should be willing to listen and work with you to meet them. Maybe this is just one of your non-negotiables.
Unfortunately, I can’t speak much about whether or not you should pursue other people. Pursuing other people is a possibility, but it's important to consider the impact it may have on your current relationship. I recommend taking time to think about what that would mean for you; I also want to remind you that before anything, you need to communicate these feelings with your partner. If your partner is unwilling or unable to meet those needs, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship and consider whether it's truly healthy and fulfilling for you.
I also want to add that you deserve to be loved unconditionally by whoever you choose to spend your time with. I know this probably sounds like a cliché, but it really is true that a healthy relationship is one where both partners feel safe, respected, and loved for who they truly are. It’s unfair that you’re partner is leaving you doubtful of yourself, especially since you seem to be doing so much to make him feel comfortable.
On that note, I’d recommend voicing your concerns about how your future financial status makes him feel; however, it may be best to do this in a separate conversation, so that the conversation doesn’t feel overwhelming or unfocused. It's important to address one topic at a time in order to have a productive and clear conversation.
It’s up to you to decide what decisions are best for you. If you need any help in this process, though, don’t hesitate to reach out to someone for help. Friends, family, or a couples counselor could help guide you in the right direction, as well. Here are a few techniques you could try as well as resources about how to find a therapist: https://tinyurl.com/5c32yr42.
Feel free to reach out again. I hope all goes well!
Mikayla
Hello there, @R P ! Thank you for reaching out to us at Asking Jude. One of our peer counsellors, Mikayla, will be answering you shortly. Stay strong for us!