hi! my name is ren and i would describe myself to be someone who is extremely dependent. i broke up with my boyfriend of over a year a few months ago, and i thought i was fairing well until i realized that i really wasn't. i came to the conclusion that i don't like being single. my friends have told me that i should "learn to love myself before loving others" but i don't know how to do that. something i noticed was that even though my ex was someone that i couldn't really talk to (his communication was extrememly bad and i had to initiate everything), i would always go to him if i was feeling down or if i had any problems at school or with friends. now that i don't have that special connection wth someone anymore, i feel lonely--and it's not the same feeling as confiding in a close friend. i feel like it's extremely toxic of me to seek out boys and force myself to like them just so that i can be in a relationshiip again and feel that connection. i guess my thing now is that i like the idea of being in a relationship. im sorry if this was all over the place, but do you have any suggestions or advice on what to do in this situation?
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Hi Ren,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. Your friends are correct; it can be difficult to genuinely love someone if you don’t love yourself. However, this does not mean that you can’t be in a relationship until you feel completely comfortable with yourself. Self-love is not a linear journey, and a partner will likely be able to help you learn how to love yourself. There is also no definitive end to this journey; regardless of how secure you feel in your sense of identity, you may still have bad days, which is completely normal! A good partner will be able to help you work through these bad days, which is the true definition of a healthy relationship.
If you do decide to start a new relationship, it is important to make sure that you genuinely have feelings for them and that you are not simply agreeing to date them for the sake of being in a relationship. You may seek the connection you had in your past relationship, which is common among people who have just broken up, but it would be unfair to your partner for you to enter a relationship if you did not genuinely have romantic feelings for them.
You mentioned that your ex offered an objective perspective on your issues with school and friends. Instead of entering into a new relationship, another way you could replicate this objective perspective is by speaking to a counselor. If this is something you are interested in pursuing, www.betterhelp.com offers counseling at a discounted rate. You may also benefit from journaling. It is similar to speaking to a counselor because you are able to freely speak your mind without fear of criticism. There are many different ways to journal, but the stream-of-consciousness method is particularly effective because you do not have to worry about proper grammar or punctuation.
Here is an article that discusses journaling and its benefits in greater detail: https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentID=4552&ContentTypeID=1.
Spending time alone will also help you adjust to being single, and it will help you regain a sense of independence. Try to make a list of hobbies that bring you joy, and set aside time during your day in which you prioritize self-care and only doing things that make you happy.
Here are some tips on gaining independence that you may find helpful: https://psychcentral.com/health/ways-to-become-more-independent-less-codependent. I hope that some of this information was helpful. Please do not hesitate to reach out to Asking Jude again if you have any further questions.
Hang in there,
Andrea