I've been in therapy for almost a year and all the issues I talk about come back to this topic.(school anxiety, communication, friends, romantic partners, independence, self esteem) I want to believe I'm worthy of unconditional love but my experiences prove otherwise. My parents are known by my community to be very loving and open minded but they have expressed frustration with me over being unable to connect deeply. My friends are open and talk often but they ignore me when I'm too much.(my anxiety is obvious, I can't verbalize my concerns, my opinions are weird and harsh) My girlfriend even broke up with me because my anxiety was too much and I was not feminine enough. My therapist has tried challenging this thought pattern by suggesting if this was someone else who was acting like I do, would I still love them and feel compassionate. While I definitely am hyperempathic, of the many people I've talked with in irl and online, none have been in a position similar to mine and have proven to be worthy of unconditional love. I feel drained of motivation so what should I do? (I can explain something if I didn't make sense)
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Hi there,
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude. I am very sorry to hear about your difficulties finding proof of unconditional love. I want to reassure you that the issues you mentioned (school anxiety, communication, friends, romantic partners, independence, self-esteem) do not make you any less deserving of love. I encourage you to read Ameera Ladak’s blog about her experience with feeling loved while struggling with mental health. I found her story to be very inspiring, and I hope it will have the same effect for you. Here is the link to it:
https://themighty.com/2019/05/deserve-to-be-loved-with-not-despite-mental-illness/.
I also found this article by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby about feeling worthy of love and respect, which I will link here:
https://www.growingself.com/self-esteem-believing-you-are-worthy-of-love-and-respect/
I know your question focused on receiving unconditional love from family, friends, and significant others, but I want you to also focus on self-love. I mention this because self-love can be the most fulfilling and rewarding type of love. One of the benefits of expressing self-love is that it can allow you to notice (and internalize) the love others give you. You can practice self-love by reminding yourself of qualities you like about yourself (your empathy, sense of humor, generosity), partaking in your favorite hobbies, practicing self-compassion, and having mental health days.
(https://www.talkspace.com/blog/12-best-ways-spend-mental-health-day-according-therapist/).
I know that these tips are much easier said than done. The path toward self-love will require lots of time, energy, and patience. However, I still encourage you to implement the tips from the links below into your daily life. Gradually, you will begin to see a positive difference with regards to your self-view.
https://positivepsychology.com/how-to-practice-self-compassion/
https://theeverygirl.com/easy-ways-to-practice-self-love/
https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/10-tangible-thought-provoking-ways-to-practice-self-love--12428
It is also worth emphasizing that not everyone knows how to handle another loved one’s anxiety. You mentioned that your parents and friends sometimes have trouble connecting with you when you are feeling anxious. This only suggests that they are unsure how to cope with the situation at hand, not that they are having trouble loving you. Although these moments may be challenging for them to understand, it does not translate as them not loving you. I know it can be difficult to remind yourself of that, so I recommend practicing positive self-talk when you are feeling anxious. You could tell yourself something along the lines, “I know that this is a difficult situation for us. They are momentarily taking a break from the situation. This does not mean that they love me any less.”
Lastly, I want to recommend tips for communicating your anxiety with friends and family. Consider what helps you feel better during rough moments. Perhaps you prefer to receive advice, have someone who can refute negative thoughts, be given space, move yourself to a quiet environment, take a long walk in the neighborhood, etc. Then, communicate this with your parents and trusted friends. This way, they can feel comfortable giving you the support that you know is beneficial. If you cannot think of ways to cope through the moment, here are links with some advice:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-emotional-meter/201706/10-simple-tactics-manage-anxiety-and-panic-attacks%3famp
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/321510#ways-to-stop-a-panic-attack
https://adaa.org/tips
Regardless of the aforementioned difficulties, you have had to overcome, Asking Jude loves you wholeheartedly and unconditionally. We encourage you to reach out to us again and update us on your wellbeing.
Sending love and support,
Helen
Hello there, Sofia! We just received your submission, and we will have one of our interns answer it shortly. Thank you so much for supporting Asking Jude's budding transformation!
I'm addressing this to Sofia... In general, you are on good terms with your parents and also with your therapist. So...why not ask your therapist to schedule a session with your parents, with the therapist present, and you speak from your heart about what you mean by 'unconditional love.' Is there something that you parents have done or said to you that leads you to tell yourself that you are not worthy of unconditional love? You sound honest, so I hope this works out for you...