A little over 2 weeks ago, my partner of 1.5 years broke up with me and we agreed to keep being friends. They seem to have moved on pretty quickly- recently they told me there is someone else they like. I don't want to lose our friendship (they know me better than anyone else) but I'm still in love with them and I don't know what their boundaries are for affection now that we aren't dating and it kinda makes me feel a little shitty to see them moving on so quickly. Should I tell them about how I feel? and if so what should I say? Am I a bad person for feeling jealous even though we aren't dating anymore?
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Hello Friend,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I’m so sorry to hear about your recent breakup, it’s clear that it is weighing heavy on your heart. It is alright for you to tell your ex that you still love them if you feel it is appropriate to the situation. Letting them know how you feel may help bring closure to the situation. Message them about having a conversation about your breakup. You can let them know that you still love them and ask them about where things went wrong. If they broke up with you, it is unlikely that they will share your feelings, so do not go into this conversation expecting to reunite with them.
You are not at all a bad person for feeling jealous. I know you want to remain close to them, but it might be better for you to take some time to yourself in order to move on. Your breakup is still fresh, so the feelings are still intense. It might be best for you to take a step back and readjust to loving yourself without this person in your life. Try to find peace in your day to day without them. I suggest distancing yourself from them and avoiding activities that remind you of them. Healing your heart will help you have a healthier relationship with your ex and prepare you to move on from your past love.
When you are ready to have a relationship with this person, I suggest you ask them what their boundaries are. This would also be asking them what their new partners boundaries are as well. Asking them what they are comfortable with is the best way to know what is okay and what is not. While doing this, I want you to also consider what your boundaries are. What sort of activities would be too intimate for you or make you uncomfortable. Your feelings on this are important, especially if some forms of affection will make you long for a more romantic relationship with them. If you find that staying close friends with your ex is going to stir old feelings in you, I would warn against it. However, if you have both moved on and can stay close friends, there is nothing wrong with that sort of healthy relationship.
Here are some resources for you to check out:
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/how-to-tell-your-ex-you-still-love-him-after-hes-moved-on/
https://www.elitedaily.com/p/5-texts-to-send-your-ex-if-you-miss-them-want-to-reconnect-8543268
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201508/5-ways-move-ex-you-still-love
https://www.anxiety.org/dealing-with-a-break-up
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/anxiety/coping-with-anxiety-after-a-breakup/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201702/4-ways-successfully-manage-breakup
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I hope you take some time to yourself. Treat yourself kindly.
Hugs,
Max
Hi there, Ace! I just relayed your submission to Max. They'll be answering it soon.