Basically. I feel like all the friends I made in my first term at university hate me and find me annoying, they haven't outwardly shown this, but the tone of their very occasional texts makes me feel this way. I feel like a total outcast. I havent seen these people since November. We all lived together but due to covid and mental health I moved home while they stayed together. My social anxiety is destroying my life, I'm going back to uni in a week but I'm terrified because I've convinced myself they all hate me even if there isn't any evidence for this. I have no other "friends" at all. Due to problems with room allocations when I return I will be going into a studio flat on my own rather than the shared flat I was in with them, however next year we will live together again. I'm so scared they hate me I don't even know how to go about asking if they want to meet up, go for a walk, just anything. I don't know anyone at my university other than them. If this doesn't work out and I can't sort out my social life, I will most likely drop out of university, my mental health has never been this bad and this return is like a test to see if I can cope, or if I need to drop out and try again once I have stabilised myself. I'm not close enough to them to discuss something like this, I already feel like I come across as clingy. I just need some advice I guess, how do I ask people to meet up without coming across as clingy or annoying, would someone find it annoying if they were asked by someone they don't know very well to meet up. All I want is to get to know them better seeing as we have to live with each other next year. Just for context, I have been diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder, social anxiety and ocd.
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Hi love,
Thank you for contacting Asking Jude. I am sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I struggle with social anxiety myself, so I know how debilitating it can be. You mentioned that you were diagnosed with a few disorders. Are you still in contact with your therapist, or are you able to talk with your university’s counseling center? I think it would be beneficial for you to speak with a counselor about your anxiety and how it’s affecting your studies and social life. You may need a new treatment plan that will reduce your anxiety and help your mental health.
I understand how difficult it is for you to make plans and talk to these new friends. It seems like an easy task, but it’s daunting. I still struggle with asking my friends to hang out or even accepting invites. Social anxiety makes us perceive that making plans is a danger and makes us believe that we may come off as “clingy” or annoying. This is because of “cognitive distortions” or “negative thinking traps,” which are thoughts that our mind convinces us are true when they’re not. I’ll talk a little bit more about this and some coping mechanisms a little later in my response, but I want to answer your question for now.
I think that you should go ahead and ask them to hang out. From experience, one way to control anxiety is to face it headfirst. My old therapist used to describe social anxiety like a roller coaster. When faced with an anxiety-provoking situation or the top of the roller coaster, all we want to do is jump down to safety, but sometimes it’s important to ride it out.
I don’t think that they would find it annoying if you ask them to do something with you because you are friends. If it makes you more comfortable, you can sit down and draft how you will ask them to hang out with you before you text or call them. You can ask them to go to a university event, go for a walk, get something to eat/drink with you, or have a little study group. Here’s an example of what you could say: “Hey Beth, we haven’t seen each other in a few months, and I would love to catch up with you. Are you free to meet me at the cafe for coffee this week?”
You can also check out these articles that have even more advice on how to ask people to hang out:
https://www.succeedsocially.com/invitingpeopleoutexamples.
https://www.succeedsocially.com/makingplansworries.
https://www.theodysseyonline.com/inviting-friends-to-hang-out.
I found these articles that have advice on how to make friends when you have social anxiety:
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-make-friends-3024380.
https://socialpronow.com/blog/make-friends-social-anxiety/.
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/dealing-with-loneliness-and-shyness.htm.
https://willamette.edu/offices/lcenter/resources/communication/soc-anxiety.html.
https://www.healthline.com/health/anxiety/how-to-make-friends-when-you-have-social-anxiety#1.-Agree-to-disagree-with-your-negative-thoughts.
I’m going to divert back to talking about cognitive distortions or negative thinking traps. I noticed at the beginning of your ask that you mentioned quite a few times that you think that your new friends don’t like you because you feel that you are annoying and clingy. Anxiety makes it easy for people to slip into cognitive distortions because it tricks their brains into seeing danger when it’s not there. Check out this handout on the different types of thinking traps: http://anxietycanada.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/ABC_4118_Thinking_Traps_2.pdf; it’s great that you’re able to recognize that these thoughts have no evidence to support them. It’s crucial that when you are having these thoughts that you try to counteract them. I found the following handouts to help you:
https://acquia-prod.oswego.edu/counseling-services/sites/acquia-prod.oswego.edu.counseling-services/files/ten_ways_to_untwist_your_thinking.pdf.
https://www.mcgill.ca/counselling/files/counselling/20_questions_to_challenge_negative_thoughts_0.pdf.
https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/decatastrophizing.pdf.
https://www.hse.ie/eng/staff/staff-engagement/resources/challenging-your-negative-thinking.pdf.
https://www.winona.edu/resilience/Media/Self-Talk-Worksheet.pdf.
I’m not sure if you have coping mechanisms for your social anxiety, but I wanted to share some things that I think would be beneficial for you to have. Please note that not all coping skills work for the same people, so experiment to find what works. Here are my suggestions:
Grounding Skills: https://www.winona.edu/resilience/Media/Grounding-Worksheet.pdf and https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/coping-skills-anxiety.pdf.
Breathing Techniques: https://www.healthline.com/health/breathing-exercises-for-anxiety.
Mindful Meditation: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/what-is-mindfulness.pdf, https://www.mindful.org/, and https://www.uclahealth.org/marc/mindful-meditations.
Self-Sooth and Distress Tolerance Skills: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/dbt-distress-tolerance-skills.pdf and https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/self-sooth.html.
Anxiety Self-Help Workbook: https://www.queensu.ca/studentwellness/sites/swswww/files/uploaded_files/PDF/Mental%20Health%20Workbooks/Managing%20Your%20Anxiety_Mental%20Health%20Workbook%20-%20fall%202020.pdf
In addition to the resources above, I recommend that you check out helplines for added support. Hotlines are free, confidential, and available 24/7. Here are some suggestions, but please feel free to look up support lines in your country:
Crisis Text Line is available in Canada, Ireland, and the UK, and the US. Please visit https://www.crisistextline.org/ to view their respective text numbers and Facebook Messenger app.
7 Cups of Tea: Visit http://www.7cups.com or download their app (IOS or Google Play) to create an account. Once you have, you can speak with one of their listeners or attend group sessions on numerous topics.
Social Anxiety Reddit Support Group: https://www.reddit.com/r/socialanxiety/.
Anxiety Tribe Support Group: https://support.therapytribe.com/anxiety-support-group/.
Social Anxiety Support Forum: https://www.socialanxietysupport.com/.
Some more social anxiety support groups: verywellmind.com/social-anxiety-support-groups-3024876.
I hope that you’ve found this information helpful. Social anxiety can be a real pain. However, try to remember that there is hope and that your anxiety isn’t final. I know it’s scary to make plans with people you haven’t spoken to in a while, but it will be okay. You can do this. Take it one step at a time and try to challenge your anxious thoughts. Please make sure to look after your mental health, and if that means taking a semester or two off, please do so. I believe in you. If you need any more support, please don’t hesitate to come back to Asking Jude.
Love,
Meggan
Hi, Margo! I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. One of our team members will offer you some support soon. Until then, stay strong.