I want to break up with my boyfriend. We were together for 3 years but now i feel like i don't love him anymore. I just want to escape from this relationship. But i'm so scared of becoming alone. I have only him and i have big problem with meeting new people. I just don't know how to talk to them. My mind just going blank when i talk to someone and i can't think of anything to say. I don't want to be like this. I want to meet new people. Find new love in the future. But i don't even know how to talk to people and respond to them. Please help me
top of page
bottom of page
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. First off, if you really want out of the relationship, you have every right to leave; you don’t need a PhD-level thesis on why you want out. I’m going to guess that the relationship has run its course and you’re just not happy or fulfilled in it anymore. That’s perfectly fine; it’s okay to outgrow people- even romantic partners.
Think about why you want out and plan out how to explain it concisely. You’ve been with your boyfriend for three years, so while I’d say breakups like this are best done in-person, the current state of the world may not allow for that. Perhaps a phone call would work here. These are questions just to help you figure out what to say:
-Do you feel suffocated or impeded by this relationship?
-Do you feel like there’s no chemistry between you two?
-Do you feel bored in this relationship?
-Do you two not have similar life goals?
-Have you just found out about any dealbreakers?
Whatever your reasons, I assure you they are valid. If you suspect your boyfriend may argue, remind him that you don’t need his permission to break up.
I think what you may also be running up against is the idea of amatonormativity; it’s the idea that being in a relationship or seeking one is normal and that being single for a while means something is wrong with you. Nothing could be further from the truth; being single is not a litmus test of a person’s character. Plenty of people can be perfectly happy being single because they’re truly free; they are only responsible for themselves and that’s it.
Elizabeth Brake, the person who coined the term, explains it in more detail on her site: https://elizabethbrake.com/amatonormativity/
She explains that amatonormativity makes people focus too much on romance and not enough on themselves or friendships. She’s right, though; a lot of times, people forget their friends when they get into relationships because they haven’t figured out how to prioritize and balance their time. It also doesn’t help that society makes it sound like being in a relationship means you have to stay attached to your partner at the hip.
If you sense you’re going to struggle with being single, I have some articles that may help you see the positive sides of it:
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/06/how-be-okay-being-single/590854/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201401/learning-love-not-fear-being-single
https://time.com/5401028/benefits-being-single-experts/
Basically, being single allows you more time to focus on yourself and learn how to do the things you want to do. You say that you want to develop your social skills, yes? Well, being single will allow you the chance to go make more friends and build those social skills.
This article from a therapy website has some ways to build friendships as an adult:
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/how-to-make-friends-adult/
The first step is really to give yourself the chances to meet people. The next one is to break the ice; classes, group activities, volunteer opportunities, etc. will give you chances to do so. Work together with people, comment on any indications of their interests, look for common ground, etc. Some folks may invite you to future hangouts! Just take it one day at a time and you’ll learn how to enjoy being single and how to make friends again.
I imagine that your relationship with your bf didn’t just spring up out of nowhere; think about how it started and see if you can learn from it. In fact, I wonder if you had friendships before the relationship started that you may not have had time to nurture; see if you can reach back out to them. This is a great time to build a support network because breakups can be pretty difficult to deal with- even if you are the one initiating it.
Feel free to reach out again if you need anything else.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile
Hello, again! Anything you can say about your family? Have talked to them about this? A Peer Counselor will be communicating with you soon...