I'm writing yet again, after multiple times about the same guy. He's abused me- he's changing. Like actually changing. Communicating with me when he's angry- having violent outbursts away from me, going for walks, doing mindfulness and a set routine. All things helping him and me get better. Yet, I'm anxious. On aug 19th we have our engagement party. I'm worried that because he's changing and this party is coming up it's too late for me to leave. He's not abusing me anymore- and he hast had a violent outburst since Jun 22. Yet I'm still stuck on old things he's done, like the first time he really hurt me, or the time he choked me. I hate that I keep fixating on it because it shouldn't matter now.
Is it to late? How do I even leave? It's my house but he has key and all of his stuff pretty much is there. It seems almost impossible to leave. Idk.
It’s not too late to pump the brakes on the wedding or the engagement. Sure, it may be challenging to tell people why, but your safety comes first. Additionally, it’s not too late to leave- ever. This is why I say that people always need an escape hatch. They need a way to undo or get out of a situation- especially in relationships like this. It’s easier to break up with someone than to break off an engagement, and it’s easier to break of an engagement than to divorce, but there must always be a way out if things get bad.
While it’s great to hear that your fiancé is making positive changes, you cannot love someone into a better version of themselves. It is not your responsibility to stick with someone as they reach the bare minimum of a good partner. It is not fair to expect you to put up with the very dangerous consequences of his journey and inevitable backslides. I know, you are engaged and you care about him, but understand that it’s unreasonable of him to expect you to stick around after he has repeatedly abused you.
If those awful events are replaying in your mind, they are doing so for a reason; those moments matter very much. Your brain is trying to tell you that you are in danger and it is right; people who choke their partners are a LOT more likely to actually kill their partners in the near future- whether intentionally or not.
CW: this explains more about the dangers of abusive partners and choking: https://www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/all-abusers-are-not-equal-new-ipv-research-reveals-an-indicator-of-deadly-abuse/
In other words, that thin veneer of denial is coming off and the cognitive dissonance is settling in. It is hard to grapple with because the feelings you have are so intense. This dissonance usually arises because of something called FOG: fear, obligation, and guilt. To put it into context, you may be afraid of him going right back to his old ways because they are dangerous for you or that leaving would trigger another outburst, but you may feel like it’s your job to stick around to see him grow and change, and you may feel like calling the engagement off would result in too many consequences, so you may feel like just putting up and shutting up is best. Truthfully, staying is the slightly easier path because it involves doing nothing while leaving requires a lot of effort, but the price you risk paying for this slightly easier path is too great.
This article explains more about the FOG: https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt
Leaving an abusive partner is never easy; if it was, everyone would do it successfully the first time. Part of the reason for it is because of something called trauma bonding. This is what happens when we form intense attachments with people who harm us; these are really hard to break despite the harm they pose to us. There is a chance that you two have trauma bonded at this point because you’ve been together for a while, which is another obstacle in your path.
This article explains more about trauma bonds, how they form, and how to break them: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding#fa-qs
At this point, I am not sure if you two are sexually active with each other, but if you are, I strongly suggest stopping any and all such activity; this is because, if he anticipates you leaving, he may try to baby trap you. Make sure your birth control cannot be tampered with at all! You can easily attribute it to stressing over the party, work, etc. but if you worry he will coerce you or force you in some way, that’s very dangerous.
If you do decide to leave (and if you need help with the above), know that there are wonderful resources out there for you. A website called loveisrespect.org can help you come up with a safety plan. Do you have access to your own bank account to which he does not have access? Do you know where all your important documents and possessions are? Do you have pets or childcare to worry about? Can you reach out to family and friends here? What I would suggest is telling them that you need to escape and that you do not want to discuss all the details just yet; they can help execute that safety plan. Perhaps someone has a couch you can crash on? It’s okay to ask for help here!
Since you own the house, it’s best if you stay and he leaves; it’s yours, after all, and legally speaking, you are responsible for it. That being said, does he have proof of residence, such as having his name on the mortgage, bills or bank statements with his name and your address, or anything from an official government office like the IRS, Unemployment, etc.? I ask because these are ways to establish residency, so if you want to break up with him, then you may need to serve an eviction notice if he won’t leave peacefully. In order to facilitate this process, I recommend keeping documentation of his abuse on hand so that you have a paper trail. This will make it easier for people (especially law enforcement) to help you. I strongly suggest reaching out to a local domestic violence shelter or even the police for more assistance. If necessary, perhaps the police can come to your house to remove him and get his stuff out, too.
I know that you might be worrying about an outburst by trying to break up with him, so the best thing you can do is be prepared. I would even be prepared if he tries laying on each of the parts of the FOG. He may have an outburst, lay on the guilt (and obligation) over ending the engagement, or threaten self-harm. It is best to anticipate it, but not argue over it. What I also recommend is putting together a plan for the aftermath; he will likely not go quietly and may not stay away. Look back at loveisrespect and read up on stalking as he may resort to that. Perhaps this is a good time to put up some security cameras outside, take any important documents or valuables and placing them temporarily in the care of a loved one (or the safety deposit box of a bank he has no access to).
I know this is hard to hear and it sounds like a lot to ask of you, but the truth is that you deserve better than to live in fear all day every day; you deserve a partner who doesn’t need you holding their hand through learning how to be a decent human being. You are not responsible for the dysfunction of others. Above all, please stay safe, whatever you decide to do.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile